Leaving It All Behind

We strive, we toil in this life...to attain, to get more, have more...really just to be more. We work to get a better education, so that we can get the best paying jobs. We work hard at careers day in and day out, waiting and hoping for promotions and recognition for our hard work. Often this toiling comes at great, great sacrifice of the really important things...our families, our children, our joy, indeed our very lives.

Somewhere we look up and see that we are missing the very lives we had hoped to achieve. Maybe the outer trappings are there....the big house, the nice cars, a hefty retirement, all the lights, bells and whistles on the latest and greatest "toys" the world can offer us. But at what price? Jim Rohn tells us that there is always a price for every goal that we set. We simply have to ask is it worth paying? Sometimes, I think we look up and realize we've paid a terrible price, and the goal was not worth it.

And so as 2008 was drawing to a close...I embarked on a 40 day intensive prayer journey. The joy had gone out of our family. Our eyes were empty and had lost their sparkle. Our laughter had slowly disappeared. We had lost our daddy to the daily cycle of working to live and living to work. He was depressed, angry and hurting. A numbness to life had replaced his vitality and an apathy had lodged in our home.

My prayers focused on him...and initially were for his health, his walk with the Lord, his job, his boss, etcetera, etcetera. Then about 2 weeks into my journey, I began to see the tiniest flickers of something in him...to say it was a spark would be to overstate the situation...really it was a "consciousness". Like when someone has been unconscious, and they "come to". That was all. But it was enough that it sparked my desire to remember the scripture..."the effectual, fervent (italics mine) prayers of a righteous man availeth much." What if my fervency created more effectiveness? I began to dig deeper, and press in.

The days turned into weeks, and some changes were evident....but not truly powerful ones. I was okay with that. My husband was beginning to emerge...and maybe that was all God wanted to do. So I continued on, realizing that maybe earth shattering change may not be what God desired....just seeds sown. So I rested in that and continued to pray.

Then came the 39th day....which I laughingly call the "eleventh hour". It started out like any other day, and so when my early bird Emily awoke, I took her and we went grocery shopping while daddy and the other kids slept. He did not have to leave for work until a little later and so we kind of made a day of it. When we arrived home, our dear daddy was still in bed talking on the phone. Not completely unusual for his strange work schedule....I didn't really give it a second thought. He came out a moment later, having finished the conversation on the phone....and wrapped me in his arms and began to kiss my forehead. Now this was a little unusual, and my curiosity began to wonder what was up.

What unfolded before me was miraculous and surreal. He simply said, "I'm done Kim. I am done living like this, I am done feeling like this, I am done exchanging my joy and my life, even my family for some dream that isn't really even mine! I don't want any of it! I only want laughter, and joy and peace with you and my children. That's all." Then he said with every bit of peace and joy...absolute calmness in his voice, "I want to move to Hawaii."

I had experienced a piece of what he was desiring earlier in the year when my dear friend flew me to the Big Island of Hawaii to visit her in the Spring. What had started out as a simple vacation took on a spiritual significance that had left me changed forever. Experiencing God on a level that took him out of all of my "churchy" boxes, and let him fully be the magnificent creator of a majestic universe, and to realize he was simultaneously the lover of my soul! To laugh out loud, to play hard, to stand in a waterfall and let the water drench my thirsty soul! John had watched it all from the outside...but only now, nine months later... had he said "enough".

And so we are walking away, and leaving it all behind. The striving, the toiling, ....the emptiness and the lifelessness. Jesus said, "I have come that you might have life and have it to the fullest!" We've only caught a glimpse of what "fullest" means, but it was enough of a glimpse to know that we are starving for it, and our current path certainly does not lead to it.

So far in these few days since we have decided to move...I have been overcome a few times with anxiety of the what it truly means to "leave it all behind". There have been very sad and difficult closures on relationships that I had held dear. And while the pain at times has been almost unbearable, I realize that those heart strings were cut for such a time as this. So I exhale, and let go.

Even this morning I woke up with heart palpitations and unable to catch my breath...at the prospect of selling ALL of our stuff! Sixteen years of marriage, my whole existence has been to create a beautiful home. And we will literally leave with hardly anything. How deep this American dream runs! Even when you think none of it matters and you think you could "walk away" from it all....until you actually have someone showing up to pick up all of your things...you will never know. I never knew.

But all of life is a process. And today, I look back and see the work of Simplicity that the Lord has led me down for the past ten years. A constant and consistent revealing to my heart of what was important and laying down of that which was not. Downscaling, downsizing my life...again and again. And learning to enjoy the little, near meaningless things in life...and to come face to face with the realization that they are really the ONLY MEANINGFUL things that there are.

And so as an eagle waits and waits perched patiently at the edge of his nest...my Father has brought me there, again and again, reminding me that I am not of this world and it's ways, and I was never intended to make my home in this nest. For he created me for the high places, and to get there I must wait for the wind of his Spirit and then step out into the unknown .....and soar. For eagles do not flap and strive to fly....they simply wait....and wait...and when the wind comes, they spread their wings and mount up into the highest of places carried only by the wind.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles..." Isaiah 40:31

The End and the Beginning

New Beginnings

What may be perceived as the end of something, is the start of something new in your life.

What you call a beginning is often the end.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where you start from.

Author Unknown

Photo: Broce Ranch, Evergreen CO...my favorite home.

Forgetting What Lies Behind...

The past year has been a tumultuous one for me....filled with unspeakable joy, but also much sadness, pain and hurt as I am sure so many of those reading these pages have also experienced in their own lives.

Months and months of family issues, hurts, and mud slinging...had left me bruised, battered and exhausted beyond anything I could have imagined.

As the year began to draw to a close, I realized that all those months spent in tears and soul searching, in refinement from the Father's Hand, had been very needed and very transforming.

They continue. But the overwhelming weight of it all was beginning to suffocate me. To steal my very life and by definition...those around me. I looked up and realized that I was letting pain from the past....steal, kill and destroy my joy in the future. My tomorrows didn't hold promise....my days were beginning to melt into each other. I was drowning in the swirl of it all.

And in the final days of 2008, as the family arrows continued to fly, and mud was still being flung....I took a deep breath. A realization slowly dawned. I can step out of this. I MUST step out of this. And so began a few days of intense prayer, and relinquishment...letting the tears flow and letting all that was deep inside my soul...every wrong, every hurt (inflicted by me and to me), every abuse, every memory....flow out onto paper. I knew that it would not, could not ever be sent to anyone...for the damage it would inflict would be lethal.

Instead I simply wept. And breathed. I thought of the movie that is called "Waiting to Exhale"....that is how I have felt for all these months. In fact, I have felt this for many, many years. And the Spirit whispered to my soul...."EXHALE my beloved, and I will fill you with the breath of myself....and you shall breathe life again."

I took an unusually deep breath.....held it for a second...focused my soul on all the pain that it represented....and I let out a long, slow, deep exhale until their was no breath left in my body. Then....oh, then.....I took in the most gloriously deep breath! It was the breathing in of life, joy, and utter peace, and it filled my lungs to their fullest capacity!

And so as we made plans for our New Year's Eve celebration this year....I realized that this year was different than any other. There would be no baby sitter this year. There would be no "party" with friends....this year was to be ended with ceremony and intention.

After a wonderful day of family activity... laughing, chattering, delighting in each others presence, we journeyed out to the deserted lake....in the freezing cold night. We each had purchased a balloon...and had discussed at length what that balloon was to represent.

It was to represent those things that we have clung to. Those things that we have stuffed deep within us, bitterness, hurt, anger...all those things that have kept us from fully being inhabited by the Prince of Peace.....

We each chose a color to represent our pain. Mine was black...for I could think of no other color that would represent the ugly, vile and putrid things that had flowed onto my 13 page letter the day before....and attached to it...was a blood red string....representing the very blood of the One who bore my pain.

We prayed over each balloon....and then we each took a moment...and put our lips to our balloon....breathing into the balloon what we most wanted to release...to be free of. And closing our eyes, we looked up into the night....the lake shimmering below...the eternal expanse of the universe laid out before us....and we LET GO!

Tears began to fill my eyes and flow down my face! I began to tremble at the magnitude of it! And I watched as my "pain" flew farther and farther from me....so far in fact, that in just moments it was but a speck in the sky....and then it was absorbed into the glittering sky.

Absorbed by the Creator of it all! Gone forever....never to descend upon me again!

I smiled...my kids clapped joyfully!! Joy had returned to this family. Peace had taken the place of Pain....and we had closed the chapter on 2008 with finality! We celebrated with loud, wonderful fireworks and shouts of unbridled joy!

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me....

Forgetting what lies behind (italics added), and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Phillipians 3:7-14

New Beginnings

"Behold I will make ALL things new..." Jesus

In the depths of the winter...all is quiet. All is dormant...all is seemingly dead. We speak almost in hushed tones as we journey through it, knowing.

What is it that is happening in under the drifts of snow, and the freezing temperatures? All outward show of life is gone... Some of us are in the winters of our lives. All the green and vibrant life of Spring and Summer have passed away, we are left with deep browns and grays, chilly winds, and heavy weight of snow.

Will we survive it we ask? Will Spring truly come again?....We doubt, we wonder...we anguish.

And yet there is beauty in the dying, because we know...we know in the depths of our being that the dying is only the prerequisite to living! Oh how I ache to live!

As these last days of 2008 draw to a close, I am tucking away all that these months have held. The lessons, the pain, the refinement, the betrayals. I am forever changed by it all. I wouldn't change any of the struggle that my family has endured this year...because I know that in the death to so many things...life is waiting to spring up from somewhere beyond it. I tenderly reminisce over the joys, the laughter, the memories of so many precious and wonderful gifts woven graciously throughout the pain. What blessing!

I ponder the whole advent season that we have just finished...glorious yes. But I know that God intentionally obscured His "coming"....and He purposed it to be very small and almost hidden...for it wasn't the coming, or the birth that He desires us to lay hold of. He came not in pomp and circumstance to show His glory and be hailed as deliverer. Instead, He came....to die. And the glorious, and truly significant part that He beckons us to remember is that He did not evade death....He defeated death.

He went there. He endured the shame and pain of being betrayed by those who professed loudly and wholly their love for him. It's why he came. He walked through an unfair and circus of a trial...resulting in horrible mockery and merciless beating. It's why He came.

Finally, He willingly and knowingly submitted to agonizing and final death on a cross meant for a criminal. It's why He came.

Those who professed their love so ardently, were no where to be found. They had betrayed Him and hung Him out to dry. The only ones who faithfully stayed the course with Him...were His dear mother and a couple of His truest and most intimate friends. That's all. No throng of supporters, no family, no other "friends".... No, those "loved ones" had fed Him to the wolves. They participated in his crucifixion. But then again, it's why He came.

And as the darkness of the cave enveloped His body, as the depths of His "winter" fully settled over him... the sting was gone. Death had occurred...as agonizing, and unfair, and tormenting as it was....it was why He came. But the sting of death itself was gone.

He came to die. And yet.....He came, so that He could be resurrected out of death. And while it was a necessary part...the death was only a means to an end.

Hope springs up in my heart! The death that has been so agonizing in my heart, is only serving another purpose. It is ONLY a means to an end.

The end is Life.

I am reminded of the words of Jesus, "I came that you might have life and have it to the fullest."

Could it be that fullness is what awaits this dark, cold, lifeless winter?

I feel it. My soul trembles at the realization.

And so I pack away these last remnants of 2008, and I let them have their death.

It is indeed the season of new beginnings...not because I have resolved it to be so. No amount of goal setting or resolutions will achieve what my soul longs for.

But the Giver of Life does. And He does it well.

Thankfully, He doesn't "recycle" or "reinvent" the old....sprucing it up and doing a heavenly patch job on our lives.

No ......the death happens, the absolute end is necessary.

Then from the whispers of my very Spirit....come his words,

"Behold I make all things NEW"!

I wait, and I know.....these last days of winter are lingering....but my soul knows, and it beckons me...

"Be still....and KNOW."

Delicious Days of Joy

These days are filled with such joy! A special packaged arrived from our beloved grandmomma who lives tucked away in the mountains of Colorado! Our hearts long for her, miss her desperately! The package was not intended for Christmas, it was sent just because I love you! Inside were some new chef's outfits...in the perfect "signature" colors of my girls. Emily...always my "purple girl" as we call her....shrieked excitedly as she donned her apron and her chef's hat! Reaghan, always my pink princess...found hers and also tied it on, pausing a moment to pose in front of the mirror to examine just how adorable she must look! I smiled, grabbed my camera and of course seized the moment for capturing some sweet memories! How is it that grandmomma's know just what will ignite the hearts of their babies? She knows them sooooo well!!

Tender memories began to fill my mind....myself a tiny girl with long brown hair, pulling up a chair next to my momma in the kitchen! She had carefully found and woven together a set of recipes that would bless her own family, and unknowingly be handed down to generations after her! We would gather the bowls, the ingredients, and work together in the kitchen creating these delectable cookies and treats together. Her careful instruction, her sweet patience with my childish attempts at cookie making. I smile. Memories of a kitchen filled with the fragrance...of cookies, but mostly of love. Love that has blossomed into a beautiful friendship!

I look around my own modest kitchen. My girls delighting in their spoons, bowls, and myriads of cookie ingredients! So with tender heart I pull down a couple of the recipes passed down from my own momma. I read them over to my girls...telling them of my own memories of these exact recipes. And we embark on our own cookie making day! Laughter fills the room, tiny voices chattering with joy over kitchen tasks...memories flood in. Measuring, Mixing, Creating....and of course the stolen nibbles here and there! I am grateful today, for my momma....for her love...for her legacy! I see a little of her in each of my girls, and I know that one day, they will be creating these same cookies, in their own kitchens, filled with love....and a heart full of sweet, sweet memories!





(Photos: Cookie Making in Chef's Outfits)

Unexpected Gifts

The season of gifts. It swirls around us during this time....the thrill of the giving...the excitement of the receiving. Gifts are truly wonderful things!

Noah Webster, in his 1828 dictionary defines a "gift" as "anything given or bestowed...transferred from one person to another without compensation".

I reflect on the what it means to open a gift....to hold the wonderfully wrapped package in our hands, wondering....dreaming...of what could be inside. Something special...indeed. Something intended JUST for me, true. With trembling hands, we untie the lovely bow and tear through the patterned papers that conceal our treasure. Still unknowing...it's contents still a mystery.

Oftentimes, it is the anticipation, the unknowing, the trembling hands that make the gift such a joyful occasion. Certainly, the gift itself is a blessing...usually something we have been hoping for, or something personal from someone who loves us dearly. A token, really, from the heart of another bestowed directly into our own hearts. A transfer of affection, tenderness.....a gift.

And yet, gifts...in all their wonder...can also be unexpected bestowments. A deeply hidden gift in the midst of something not nearly as beautiful as glittering bows and brightly colored paper.

Is it possible that these gifts, these loving treasures can be found at the end of a very long "unwrapping"? An unwrapping that is laced with pain, struggle, anguish...and even betrayal?

It is in these difficult seasons of our lives...that some of the most life-changing gifts are bestowed deeply into our souls. Gifts that only the very breath of heaven could deliver.

These are the unexpected gifts. For we find our faces marred with the dirt of life, and smeared with the anguish of our pain. It doesn't seem like a gift...it seems hard, and difficult. It seems like it might even crush us beneath it's weight. The pain of an ended relationship, the struggle of devastated finances, even the betrayal of those we thought would never leave us.

Ours is the wrapping of the forsaken, of the broken.

There is no glamour here...no glittering bow. Just pain.

And then...as the "unwrapping" draws to a close...we begin to SEE! Our eyes get to peek beyond the wrappings...and glimpse a gift! How like the Kingdom of God to be so opposite and almost contradictory in it's nature. We know that in order to be the first, we must be the last. In order to be the greatest, we must be the servant. We know that to live, we must first die.

Therein lies the gift. In the journeying through our striving...we find the gift of Peace.

In walking through the fires of refinement, we find the treasure of Purity and in ourselves a Reflection of Him.

At the end of a long list of bills, and a shallow bank account....we rage, we struggle, then we find Contentment, Gratitude and even the gift of Simplicity.

In enduring the yoke of heavy, difficult burdens, we find HIS yoke...that is Rest.

And in the ashes of devastation, the aftermath of being betrayed by those we held so dear... comes a double gift. First the gift of Freedom! The release to fully embrace the next gift, which is the gift of Himself. Drawing us in, holding us close, and whispering...."My Beloved,I will NEVER leave you, and will never, ever forsake you."

And in receiving HIS gifts.....we smile. For we then give the most precious gift back to the Giver.

John Bunyan calls it the "Acceptable Sacrifice, The Excellency of a Broken Heart".

"For You delight not in sacrifice, or else would I give it; You find no pleasure in burnt offering. My sacrifice, the sacrifice acceptable to God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart...such, O God, You will not despise."

Psalm 51:16-17

(amplified)

Most Precious Gift

A life changing experience, this 1000 Gifts. I had always thought of myself as a grateful one; one who offered praise and thanksgiving for the blessings in my life. But in numbering a small notebook from one to one thousand….I was struck with how very little I actually GIVE thanks.

Of course I think it, and over the years I have enjoyed aesthetically pleasing things…almost as a celebration of spirit. But to actually pause, to record, to pen my gratitude to the Giver…is changing me on a level I cannot explain.

I have noticed that the area of most change is toward my precious husband. As a young bride, I was steeped in Cinderella syndrome, searching and expecting my “happily ever after”….and sadly, have lived much of my married life in pursuit of the ever elusive dream, focusing and pressing toward unrealistic perfections and romance.

I have read recently, that if you will only open your eyes, you will see right in front of you that very thing which you have always been desiring and pursuing. You already have it…it is only a matter of seeing it.

You already have it….

I wonder…what would happen if I had a list of 1000 Gifts, that held only those things that pertained to my dear husband…what would my marriage look like after recording those 1000 gifts? Those fingerprints of my Father found wrapped up in the heart of my husband, in his life, his fatherhood, his faithfulness…

Already so much of my gratitude journal holds entries of him, and it is already transforming my heart and renewing my mind in my relationship to him….

My heart smiles as I think of all the years of laughter and joy, sorrow and tears that have weaved themselves into our marriage…what beauty, right in front of me.

~ skinny, blond haired boy of 15, whom I was instantly enamored with…

~ quiet, forbidden holding of my hand, during youth group concert…precious

~ tender evening of teenagers on a porch swing, as heart strings were tied in the heavenlies

~ years passed, now a grown up, beautiful man in army uniform, stealing my heart and my affections

~ an arranged date, a simple “knowing” that the search was over

~ man of strength and confidence,…so strong where I was so weak, so unsure and timid

~ faithful and committed in a difficult first few years of marriage, as I found my voice… loudly!

~ non-religious, deep man of faith, teaching me to question everything…showing me a bigger God than I had ever known.

~ a real and non-pretentious man, teaching me to think for myself… speak my mind

~ patient and tolerant as my “people pleasing” tried to force him to fit into my family

~ always supportive through my countless business and entrepreneurial dreams

~ self sacrificing heart, who walked away from a secure job, to pursue MY dreams in Colorado

~ Amazing provider, never too prideful to take the less than perfect jobs in order to provide.

~ Holding me, encouraging me through my tears when life got hard, and my faith was wavering

~ My rock, my strength in the delivery room…3 times.

~ Watching him hold these new souls, knowing instinctively how to love them, tend to them

~ Only he could evoke truly delightful belly laughs from our babies

~ Working into the night, sleep schedules upside down, all for us…

~ The manliest of men… handguns, police officer, firefighter, rescue, always the servant!

~ Tender letters through the years, speaking his heart of love with clumsy but beautiful words

~ Anniversary number 7, with rose petals on the floor spelling out , “I love you”

~ His head in my lap, begging for relief for yet another migraine

~ Beautiful father, loving his children as I have never seen.

~ Gentle heaving of his snores as he sleeps deeply, right beside me each night

~ His true and growing walk with the Father, that deepens with age

I am grateful for this man…for all that he is, for all that he is destined to be. He is truly my greatest gift…and I cannot imagine sharing this life with any other… It is my greatest joy to call myself his helpmeet.

My deepest prayer is that I would be worthy of such a man. And I look forward to filling pages and pages with my thoughts, my memories, my gratitude for such a precious gift.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast , it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails”
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Photos: Evergreen, CO Day at the Lake Fishing with Daddy

He is Enough...

The early morning….still dark, I am drawn outside to walk, to talk with the Lord. And so I ventured out, camera in hand, jacket on my back to shelter me from the chilly air. My heart is adventurous, anticipating what beauty I will find in this wee hour, as the sun is beginning to light the world.

I am immediately struck by my neighborhood, identical houses, street lights symmetrically placed to shed artificial light on our homes. I begin to take pictures of this manufactured life that our society has all created, saddened in a way by it’s existence. But I wait….in expectation…for the sun is still about to rise.

The neighborhood is beginning to awaken, cars seem to crowd out my thoughts with their engines running, as they roar past me on the way to their jobs, their activities, their busy, busy lives. I breathe out the frustration….okay, now…to find the stillness, the quiet that my soul craves. I almost hear it ~ it is almost within reach…this silence. Yet as I walk by a house with a garish, blow up witch popping out of an eerie blow up pot (leftover from Halloween…), I cringe….Assaulted in a way.

My heart is searching, aching, longing for peace….for beauty, and I pray…

My feet plod along on the concrete, I walk past oil pumps toiling to pump fuel out of the ground for our never ending needs for fuel. And all the while I keep glancing toward the sunrise…even positioning myself so that I can “catch” it the moment it peeks it’s head above the horizon. A perfect crown for my “quiet” morning….I hope. At least I’ll get to see the sun rise…. yet…..still no sun.

More and more cars, leave their homes and roar past me…drowning my silence, and squelching the small voice of my Father. I cry out! I anguish! Lord, why??!! Why do you have me here..??? I was perfectly content in the mountains of Colorado, living on the beautiful Broce Ranch…snow capped mountains as my backdrop, amazing evergreen trees, magnificent elk and other wildlife traipsing through our front pasture…. But here??!!! Why!?

Has the sun come up yet??!! Not yet….yet the world is growing strangely light….as if the sun came up, without a sunrise. I am waiting for it, waiting, NEEDING to see it. And the world toils on….never stopping to even cast a glance! I begin to feel the grief of the Father….who provides so much for us all every day….and yet we never even stop….no, most never even PAUSE to take it in, or offer gratitude.

My walk is almost over….there has been no beautiful sunrise….only a dawning of a new day without pomp, without circumstance….it just got light. My soul aches.

And I pray…then I notice the shape of a cross in the manufactured concrete sidewalk …and my eyes begin to glaze with tears. This is a small crucifixion for me…a dying to something I hold oh so dear….. This is my desert, this place where there are no props, no aesthetically pleasing surroundings….only hard and difficult things…..and my thoughts drift to a man who had all things he loved stripped away. His family, his homes, his wealth, his friends, ….I groan inwardly…and his words echo in my mind…

"Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him..."

Job 13:15

As I round the corner to my street I glance up to notice the street sign above my head…..Diamond Lake…(Oh, wouldn’t that be nice….a crisp, cool beautiful lake, nestled in the mountains…shimmering like diamonds?)….and there perched on top of it, was the “cross” street…..THORNTREE.

…A thorny crown, pressed painfully into the precious head of my Lord……and a rugged, terrible tree, that he willingly died upon….an agonizing death….

And though, my eyes never saw the sunrise that they longed for….it is enough. Dayenu.

He is enough. If I never leave this neighborhood, if I grow old in this manufactured little house, in it’s man made street, with it’s lights, cars, sidewalks, and shoebox size back yards…..It is enough.

For my joy doesn’t come in the forests and the flowers, or even in a magnificent sunrise…. It comes in finding myself hidden in Him.

Dayenu…It is enough.

He is my all in all….anything else…. is extra.

Dayenu

Photos: Early Morning walk through neighborhood

Wisdom Begins in Wonder

Wisdom begins in wonder.

Socrates

In the early years, when I was dabbling with the idea of homeschooling....I was very intrigued with the idea of delight centered homeschooling. I could see within my children a God-given curiosity, a wonder for the world around them. Little delights like the blue bird gliding through the sky, or the first snowflakes of winter, or even a chicken pecking around in the farmyard at the Berry Patch Farms in the plains of Colorado. It was exhilarating trying to keep up with their questions, their joys...they truly were sponges, just soaking up the beauty and wonder in the world around them... Somewhere along the way, our learning turned more structured. In my own insecurities, and my own comparisons with other moms who were, oh so much better at this than myself....I began to take on their methods, their ways...and sadly, they never quite fit our family. It was like wearing the worn, comfortable shoes....of someone else. They just don't ever feel quite right. So has been our homeschooling journey. I tried and experimented with all the different "methods" and all the while have watched the light go out of my children's eyes. The wonder, replaced with a certain apathy, even whines of "how much more?".... My heart broke. I was failing at this....My soul cried out! Lord, You called us to this... you birthed a vision in my heart... you love these babies of mine...I give up! What do YOU desire for us. And so amidst the tangled web of methods like unschooling, unit studies, Classical education, Charlotte Mason....and the countless other "methods".... I listened. A slow and uneventful season of truly quieting the voices around me. Quieting the comparisons of my own children's progress to the children of my friends.... both those who homeschooled, and those who did not. I tore up my emotional "report card" and began to look into the eyes of my children again. To remember what it was that ignited this desire to homeschool, back in those early days.

"Education is that which remains when one has forgotten
everything learned in school. "

Albert Einstein

These words echoed in the hollows of my heart.... And so the pace changed, and the days slowed, and the agendas got laid aside. And for a small season our focus has been on regaining the wonder.

I have been amazed that it truly has not taken that much....time, energy, ....mainly a silencing of all the outward stimulus. Fewer videos, fewer friends, fewer activities....More quiet, more "boredom", more creativity, more nature. I read once that a child must be "bored" for a good 30 minutes to an hour, without any outside help to entertain, suggest activities ....just all out boredom. And at the brink of all the boredom the child can stand, a miraculous thing happens... true, deep creativity is born! I have seen it with my own eyes...and marveled!

The first thing that changed in our home, was a momma who was less "driven" by keeping up....and more excited to just "be".

Most of the changes happened in me. I found the quiet center of God's Spirit in my days, and asked for eyes to "see" his magnificence in every "little" thing around me. He gave...and gave...and continues to pour the gift of "seeing" into my soul. I am changed. This gentleness, and contemplative heart that He is weaving into my soul...is making room for the mundane, the ordinary to be transformed into the extraordinary.

The two other changes that have flowed from this transformation have been a rediscovery of the incredible hand of our Creator, in none other than nature itself....His grand creation! In and of itself, it has become our great "science" curriculum... and we are soaking it up like a dry, parched earth soaks up the rain! I put the "canned" Science curriculum back on the shelf, pulled out our nature notebooks, our camera, and our backpacks...stocked with water, compass, freshly sharpened pencils, and some healthy snacks... and began to find little bits of nature hidden away in the midst of this great DFW metropolis. Our nature walks have spurned unbelievable conversations on the Nature of God, on the deep, rich truths of the Kingdom. It has made many of the parables of Jesus come alive...as we observe ants, and trees, and vines, and branches, and wheat...all the "little" ordinary things that Jesus used to teach. Divine Curriculum....

And somewhere amidst the play...Learning, real, true, "stay with us for life", kind of learning is happening. We are discovering hidden birds nests, tucked away paths leading to flowing creeks, ancient strong oak trees, and tiny colorful caterpillars. We are observing life in rotted logs, and under rocks...the things that are hidden and obscured by the casual glance. We are discovering life itself, and in that created life....we are glimpsing a Kingdom life...and beginning to lay hold of what lies before us.

The second great change, in addition to our amazing walks through nature, is the rediscoveryof great literature. Oh, I had plenty of books on my shelf, and was a great "collector" of books, yet somehow....the days got swallowed up with "real school" and assigned reading...and we lost the joy of the rich, living books. The kind that evoke thoughts, and create ideas. And so we began to read for the simple pleasure of hearing the words spoken, and watching the stories unfold in our imaginations. As I read these life filled stories, ....one could hear a pin drop in our home...as my children are beautifully enraptured in the story. And as I come to the end of a chapter...my heart soars as I hear the pleas of my delighted children....begging....for "one more chapter... PLEEAAASSEEE!" ..Okay, just one more chapter. (And I smile as I remember my own mom saying the same to me, as she fostered a deep love of reading in my own heart, in much the same way).

And so our actual "recorded" school (you know...the records you keep to show the authorities, should anyone ever ask....) are filling the pages of my planner and THEN SOME! We are steeped in scripture, literature, science, history, classical music, and the list goes on....but instead of divided "subjects", we are finding our own rhythm...a rhythm of... family... instead of school. And it delights my soul.

And while I watch other parents who have academically superior children....I think...that it's really okay, because at my very core...I am less concerned about Ivy League Colleges, and astronomical SAT scores.... what I desire is that my children maintain their wonder! Because wonder....passion....is what will catapult them into their life callings. Passion....for any subject will cause a child to soak up every last fact of that subject....and as a result, their test score will only then reflect his absolute love of the material...not what was crammed in order to pass the test.

And so the Lord beckons me to "be still and know"......"taste and see that the Lord is Good".... and I press on to offer my children the gift of stillness, the joy of discovery, and a taste for the holy....that their hunger for more will be insatiable.

Gratitude

The season of Thanksgiving is upon us. We ventured out for one last "pumpkin patch" bit of fun today with grandaddy. I wish I could write about how cool and crisp the air was on our faces, or how the smells of roasted corn hung in the chilly air. But the truth is, I simply cannot. It was a sweltering 80 degrees. Texas trees don't turn vibrant shades of yellow and orange...they simply go from green, to...well, brown. We sought shade around every corner, and fought honeybees as sweat trickled down our backs and faces. Not ideal, ...not anywhere close to ideal. But I was struck once again, with the opportunities God gives me to choose what I will see. As my children moaned and poured sweat, we stood in a long line, waiting for snow cones. (only in Texas~) I felt my own temperature rising, and my own disappointment lodged in my throat. Sometimes I don't understand, how God can give someone like myself, such a deep love for something...in my case it is coolness and beauty, and then proceed to plant them in a place where it is such an inward struggle to find it.

And yet, somewhere in all the people, in the activity, amidst the thousands of swarming honeybees...I heard the Lord speak, "Go higher, and come in deeper". Satisfaction was not to be had today in the outward...in the activity. Today, it had to be sought. "Seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened, ask....and it shall be given to you." I exhaled somewhere between the hay maze and the face painting, and knocked... And I found the beauty of the Lord. It wasn't in the obvious today, no....it had to be sought after. But in the asking...it was given. Grace. Beauty found unexpectedly in the dried corn, or the grain of a weathered fence plank. Grace. Peace in the bluest sky, and the whitest fluffy cloud. Grace.

I touched, just for a second what it was to be "in the world...not of it". I was in the midst of the masses, people at every side, activity all around me. And yet, I lost myself in searching for the colors, the textures, the smells and the sounds of the day. I wish I could say it was through connectedness with my kids...it wasn't. They played...I puttered. At one point, my dad said, "Kimberly...what are you doing?"...as I was focusing the lens of my camera on the piece of wood with rusted nails and remnants of red paint. I smile. Only I know what I am doing...although admittedly, looking foolish to anyone who might be watching me. I even recall taking a picture from the trunk of an enormous oak tree, looking up through the branches toward the sky....and people would walk by me and look up...trying to see what I was taking a picture of! Foolishness indeed.

And so we nibbled on the less than perfect pumpkin bread that I had baked for our outing. We ate snow cones, whirled on the merry go round, climbed through hay mazes, and wiped sweat from our faces. But joy found me, amidst it all. And I was indeed, surprised by it.

A few days ago, I read Ann Voskamp's blog, Holy Experience on "One Thousand Gifts" and was so inspired to begin my gratitude list. In the three days that I have been keeping track, I have been changed. A deep realization that at my core, I tend toward negativity. Seeing often what is wrong...with circumstances, wrong with my marriage, wrong with my homeschool, wrong with my friendships, wrong with my body....and ever on a quest to fix the things that are wrong. These past three days, my spirit has shifted, my eyes are opening...and somehow in the midst of replacing car brakes, overdrawn accounts, tired muscles...I am elated. I am seeing past it, and finding gratefulness THROUGH it somehow. It is the glimpses of the divine...in the ordinary. It is what I have desired my life to be, and yet, not ever tangibly written them down...content that I am being grateful. But in putting pen to paper and putting down the words, it solidifies something deep within my soul. I have watched my husbands heart soften, I have felt his affection, his touch that has been so scarce of late. I have heard tenderness in my children, a desire for more snuggles, and I am changed on a level I cannot explain. As I tucked my Reaghan in to bed the other night, she said, "mommy what happened to you?"...I reply.."what do you mean sweetie?"....she searches for the words and says, "your heart is kind, and you aren't so bossy or something"....I smile, and I tell her. Gratitude. A choice to be thankful, to see beyond what seems to be...to what truly is. And to be in awe....joy floods in at that moment. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and a Self Control....and so I conclude that Gratitude, ushers in the holy, opens the floodgates to God's Spirit. For the fruit is almost instant, and runs deeper than determination. It is a change in my nature. I thought it was my little secret...only I knew how I was feeling, gracious, loving, peaceful. But apparently it was spilling over, touching the lives of those around me. And it's only been three days....so I number my journal pages...forward to one thousand. I can't wait to see what fills these pages.....and who I become in the process... a few of my entries,

(5)Homeschool in pajamas, snuggled in together weaving subjects like threads of a tapestry...

(7)My husbands strong hands, gently washing my hair...

(12) Young, pudgy fingers that still need help tying shoes...

(22) sleepy, disoriented eyes of a newly awakened child...

(24) tender, repentant heart of a seven year old asking me for forgiveness for her disrespectfulness

(36) A dishwasher that toils...while I play...

Gratitude...Change me Lord, to see your majesty in every little thing. In the common moments, may I experience your greatness and realize that nothing is really a little thing.

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing me to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we really experience life and the world." John Milton

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, and that will I seek after. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4

Joy in the Midst of Struggle

An early morning, 4:30...being awakened as my husband is just going to bed. I awaken often to the glow of a computer screen in my room into the early morning hours, I toss, turn, mumble chastisement...trying to go back to sleep. This morning I failed, and feeling the emotions and frustrations beginning to simmer within, I rose to sort it all out. An hour spent journaling about it, pouring out my tears on paper. Inward rantings and ravings of all that does not match up to "my plan" of what our family should look like. In this life, my life, there are plenty of things to rant about...hopes dashed, disobedient children, distracted...distant husband...strained finances. Yet in the midst of my swirl of flesh and anger, the gentle words of the Father whispering to my soul..."I am sufficient". The sun is peeking over the horizon....light is dawning on this new day. Will I choose joy? If indeed, "weeping endures for the night, but joy cometh in the morning"....then the choice is mine...

He is my all in all; His Spirit alone is my sustenance...and it is in my abiding deeply in HIM that I find my peace and my rest. I close my eyes and let the glow of the morning sun fall on my face...and watch as it chases the moon from the sky. Lord fill me with your Spirit, that joy might flow as a byproduct...and with it, peace....for this moment, this day, this journey. Patience, to allow the not so perfect parts of my life to do their work in my soul. Kindness, that my eyes might be loving instead of accusatory, and that my words be a salve to the tired, overworked heart of my husband...Gentleness, that can connect with the hearts of my children, and let the little graces and beauty of our days be the focus of our very lives. Goodness, not of my own, for I am wretched and my own goodness only goes skin deep....but yours...that is "good" to the very core; Oh, that I would be robed in your holiness...your goodness, covering and sanctifying all of my lack. And as you immerse me in your Spirit, may this old "self" be controlled by you, crucified by you, ...and when all is said, and all is done...may Love abound.

Love that sees beyond the tiredness, love that endures the distance, love that is not proud and haughty, thinking I have it all together...love that doesn't seek my own good, my own happiness. And Love that willingly tears up this list of wrongs and takes on the heart of you, becoming low...and servant to all.

Meet me in this place...focus my heart on you, and on the multitudes of blessings that abound in the ordinary moments of our lives. May my thoughts linger on these things... these lovely, pure things.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and peitition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent and praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8