Leaving It All Behind

We strive, we toil in this life...to attain, to get more, have more...really just to be more. We work to get a better education, so that we can get the best paying jobs. We work hard at careers day in and day out, waiting and hoping for promotions and recognition for our hard work. Often this toiling comes at great, great sacrifice of the really important things...our families, our children, our joy, indeed our very lives.

Somewhere we look up and see that we are missing the very lives we had hoped to achieve. Maybe the outer trappings are there....the big house, the nice cars, a hefty retirement, all the lights, bells and whistles on the latest and greatest "toys" the world can offer us. But at what price? Jim Rohn tells us that there is always a price for every goal that we set. We simply have to ask is it worth paying? Sometimes, I think we look up and realize we've paid a terrible price, and the goal was not worth it.

And so as 2008 was drawing to a close...I embarked on a 40 day intensive prayer journey. The joy had gone out of our family. Our eyes were empty and had lost their sparkle. Our laughter had slowly disappeared. We had lost our daddy to the daily cycle of working to live and living to work. He was depressed, angry and hurting. A numbness to life had replaced his vitality and an apathy had lodged in our home.

My prayers focused on him...and initially were for his health, his walk with the Lord, his job, his boss, etcetera, etcetera. Then about 2 weeks into my journey, I began to see the tiniest flickers of something in him...to say it was a spark would be to overstate the situation...really it was a "consciousness". Like when someone has been unconscious, and they "come to". That was all. But it was enough that it sparked my desire to remember the scripture..."the effectual, fervent (italics mine) prayers of a righteous man availeth much." What if my fervency created more effectiveness? I began to dig deeper, and press in.

The days turned into weeks, and some changes were evident....but not truly powerful ones. I was okay with that. My husband was beginning to emerge...and maybe that was all God wanted to do. So I continued on, realizing that maybe earth shattering change may not be what God desired....just seeds sown. So I rested in that and continued to pray.

Then came the 39th day....which I laughingly call the "eleventh hour". It started out like any other day, and so when my early bird Emily awoke, I took her and we went grocery shopping while daddy and the other kids slept. He did not have to leave for work until a little later and so we kind of made a day of it. When we arrived home, our dear daddy was still in bed talking on the phone. Not completely unusual for his strange work schedule....I didn't really give it a second thought. He came out a moment later, having finished the conversation on the phone....and wrapped me in his arms and began to kiss my forehead. Now this was a little unusual, and my curiosity began to wonder what was up.

What unfolded before me was miraculous and surreal. He simply said, "I'm done Kim. I am done living like this, I am done feeling like this, I am done exchanging my joy and my life, even my family for some dream that isn't really even mine! I don't want any of it! I only want laughter, and joy and peace with you and my children. That's all." Then he said with every bit of peace and joy...absolute calmness in his voice, "I want to move to Hawaii."

I had experienced a piece of what he was desiring earlier in the year when my dear friend flew me to the Big Island of Hawaii to visit her in the Spring. What had started out as a simple vacation took on a spiritual significance that had left me changed forever. Experiencing God on a level that took him out of all of my "churchy" boxes, and let him fully be the magnificent creator of a majestic universe, and to realize he was simultaneously the lover of my soul! To laugh out loud, to play hard, to stand in a waterfall and let the water drench my thirsty soul! John had watched it all from the outside...but only now, nine months later... had he said "enough".

And so we are walking away, and leaving it all behind. The striving, the toiling, ....the emptiness and the lifelessness. Jesus said, "I have come that you might have life and have it to the fullest!" We've only caught a glimpse of what "fullest" means, but it was enough of a glimpse to know that we are starving for it, and our current path certainly does not lead to it.

So far in these few days since we have decided to move...I have been overcome a few times with anxiety of the what it truly means to "leave it all behind". There have been very sad and difficult closures on relationships that I had held dear. And while the pain at times has been almost unbearable, I realize that those heart strings were cut for such a time as this. So I exhale, and let go.

Even this morning I woke up with heart palpitations and unable to catch my breath...at the prospect of selling ALL of our stuff! Sixteen years of marriage, my whole existence has been to create a beautiful home. And we will literally leave with hardly anything. How deep this American dream runs! Even when you think none of it matters and you think you could "walk away" from it all....until you actually have someone showing up to pick up all of your things...you will never know. I never knew.

But all of life is a process. And today, I look back and see the work of Simplicity that the Lord has led me down for the past ten years. A constant and consistent revealing to my heart of what was important and laying down of that which was not. Downscaling, downsizing my life...again and again. And learning to enjoy the little, near meaningless things in life...and to come face to face with the realization that they are really the ONLY MEANINGFUL things that there are.

And so as an eagle waits and waits perched patiently at the edge of his nest...my Father has brought me there, again and again, reminding me that I am not of this world and it's ways, and I was never intended to make my home in this nest. For he created me for the high places, and to get there I must wait for the wind of his Spirit and then step out into the unknown .....and soar. For eagles do not flap and strive to fly....they simply wait....and wait...and when the wind comes, they spread their wings and mount up into the highest of places carried only by the wind.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles..." Isaiah 40:31

Forgetting What Lies Behind...

The past year has been a tumultuous one for me....filled with unspeakable joy, but also much sadness, pain and hurt as I am sure so many of those reading these pages have also experienced in their own lives.

Months and months of family issues, hurts, and mud slinging...had left me bruised, battered and exhausted beyond anything I could have imagined.

As the year began to draw to a close, I realized that all those months spent in tears and soul searching, in refinement from the Father's Hand, had been very needed and very transforming.

They continue. But the overwhelming weight of it all was beginning to suffocate me. To steal my very life and by definition...those around me. I looked up and realized that I was letting pain from the past....steal, kill and destroy my joy in the future. My tomorrows didn't hold promise....my days were beginning to melt into each other. I was drowning in the swirl of it all.

And in the final days of 2008, as the family arrows continued to fly, and mud was still being flung....I took a deep breath. A realization slowly dawned. I can step out of this. I MUST step out of this. And so began a few days of intense prayer, and relinquishment...letting the tears flow and letting all that was deep inside my soul...every wrong, every hurt (inflicted by me and to me), every abuse, every memory....flow out onto paper. I knew that it would not, could not ever be sent to anyone...for the damage it would inflict would be lethal.

Instead I simply wept. And breathed. I thought of the movie that is called "Waiting to Exhale"....that is how I have felt for all these months. In fact, I have felt this for many, many years. And the Spirit whispered to my soul...."EXHALE my beloved, and I will fill you with the breath of myself....and you shall breathe life again."

I took an unusually deep breath.....held it for a second...focused my soul on all the pain that it represented....and I let out a long, slow, deep exhale until their was no breath left in my body. Then....oh, then.....I took in the most gloriously deep breath! It was the breathing in of life, joy, and utter peace, and it filled my lungs to their fullest capacity!

And so as we made plans for our New Year's Eve celebration this year....I realized that this year was different than any other. There would be no baby sitter this year. There would be no "party" with friends....this year was to be ended with ceremony and intention.

After a wonderful day of family activity... laughing, chattering, delighting in each others presence, we journeyed out to the deserted lake....in the freezing cold night. We each had purchased a balloon...and had discussed at length what that balloon was to represent.

It was to represent those things that we have clung to. Those things that we have stuffed deep within us, bitterness, hurt, anger...all those things that have kept us from fully being inhabited by the Prince of Peace.....

We each chose a color to represent our pain. Mine was black...for I could think of no other color that would represent the ugly, vile and putrid things that had flowed onto my 13 page letter the day before....and attached to it...was a blood red string....representing the very blood of the One who bore my pain.

We prayed over each balloon....and then we each took a moment...and put our lips to our balloon....breathing into the balloon what we most wanted to release...to be free of. And closing our eyes, we looked up into the night....the lake shimmering below...the eternal expanse of the universe laid out before us....and we LET GO!

Tears began to fill my eyes and flow down my face! I began to tremble at the magnitude of it! And I watched as my "pain" flew farther and farther from me....so far in fact, that in just moments it was but a speck in the sky....and then it was absorbed into the glittering sky.

Absorbed by the Creator of it all! Gone forever....never to descend upon me again!

I smiled...my kids clapped joyfully!! Joy had returned to this family. Peace had taken the place of Pain....and we had closed the chapter on 2008 with finality! We celebrated with loud, wonderful fireworks and shouts of unbridled joy!

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me....

Forgetting what lies behind (italics added), and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Phillipians 3:7-14

New Beginnings

"Behold I will make ALL things new..." Jesus

In the depths of the winter...all is quiet. All is dormant...all is seemingly dead. We speak almost in hushed tones as we journey through it, knowing.

What is it that is happening in under the drifts of snow, and the freezing temperatures? All outward show of life is gone... Some of us are in the winters of our lives. All the green and vibrant life of Spring and Summer have passed away, we are left with deep browns and grays, chilly winds, and heavy weight of snow.

Will we survive it we ask? Will Spring truly come again?....We doubt, we wonder...we anguish.

And yet there is beauty in the dying, because we know...we know in the depths of our being that the dying is only the prerequisite to living! Oh how I ache to live!

As these last days of 2008 draw to a close, I am tucking away all that these months have held. The lessons, the pain, the refinement, the betrayals. I am forever changed by it all. I wouldn't change any of the struggle that my family has endured this year...because I know that in the death to so many things...life is waiting to spring up from somewhere beyond it. I tenderly reminisce over the joys, the laughter, the memories of so many precious and wonderful gifts woven graciously throughout the pain. What blessing!

I ponder the whole advent season that we have just finished...glorious yes. But I know that God intentionally obscured His "coming"....and He purposed it to be very small and almost hidden...for it wasn't the coming, or the birth that He desires us to lay hold of. He came not in pomp and circumstance to show His glory and be hailed as deliverer. Instead, He came....to die. And the glorious, and truly significant part that He beckons us to remember is that He did not evade death....He defeated death.

He went there. He endured the shame and pain of being betrayed by those who professed loudly and wholly their love for him. It's why he came. He walked through an unfair and circus of a trial...resulting in horrible mockery and merciless beating. It's why He came.

Finally, He willingly and knowingly submitted to agonizing and final death on a cross meant for a criminal. It's why He came.

Those who professed their love so ardently, were no where to be found. They had betrayed Him and hung Him out to dry. The only ones who faithfully stayed the course with Him...were His dear mother and a couple of His truest and most intimate friends. That's all. No throng of supporters, no family, no other "friends".... No, those "loved ones" had fed Him to the wolves. They participated in his crucifixion. But then again, it's why He came.

And as the darkness of the cave enveloped His body, as the depths of His "winter" fully settled over him... the sting was gone. Death had occurred...as agonizing, and unfair, and tormenting as it was....it was why He came. But the sting of death itself was gone.

He came to die. And yet.....He came, so that He could be resurrected out of death. And while it was a necessary part...the death was only a means to an end.

Hope springs up in my heart! The death that has been so agonizing in my heart, is only serving another purpose. It is ONLY a means to an end.

The end is Life.

I am reminded of the words of Jesus, "I came that you might have life and have it to the fullest."

Could it be that fullness is what awaits this dark, cold, lifeless winter?

I feel it. My soul trembles at the realization.

And so I pack away these last remnants of 2008, and I let them have their death.

It is indeed the season of new beginnings...not because I have resolved it to be so. No amount of goal setting or resolutions will achieve what my soul longs for.

But the Giver of Life does. And He does it well.

Thankfully, He doesn't "recycle" or "reinvent" the old....sprucing it up and doing a heavenly patch job on our lives.

No ......the death happens, the absolute end is necessary.

Then from the whispers of my very Spirit....come his words,

"Behold I make all things NEW"!

I wait, and I know.....these last days of winter are lingering....but my soul knows, and it beckons me...

"Be still....and KNOW."

Trust and Rest

Trust and rest when all around you
Puts your faith to stringent test;

Let no fear or foe confound you,
Wait for God and trust and rest.

Trust and rest with heart abiding,
Like a birdling in its nest,
Underneath His feathers hiding,
Fold your wings and trust and rest.

"Trust in him." (Psalm 37:5

Today, I trust; and in trusting....Lord, draw me into your rest.

*(excerpt from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowan....December 15)

Called by My Name.....

Another early morning walk….earlier this time, a search for a quieter experience, proved true. As I donned my workout clothes and tied the laces of my shoes…I thought nervously, “do I really dare walk while it is still dark?” Married 16 years to a police officer will do that to a woman…caution. And so placing my cell phone in my pocket (just in case), I ventured out….The air was damp with humidity, the dogs were silent this time, no cars leaving for work, no rumbling engines, or loud highway sounds filtering into my neighborhood. Yes, still a basic, run of the mill neighborhood and certainly not the beauty that I found at Broce Ranch in Evergreen Colorado (photos)…., but instead of being assaulted by the sheer busyness….today, I felt the silence.

As my steps padded the pavement, a certain rhythm emerged, and I found myself breathing in the cool, Autumn air…and my spirit began to stir.

Initially, my prayers were for thanksgiving, for praise, …eventually they moved toward myself and my personal walk with the Lord, crying out for more of Him, and less of this world. On the dawn of this new day, I laid before Him my anxious thoughts about this new President of ours. Election reports still ringing in my ears, my gut wrenched. What will become of our nation with a man like that in office….I cried out. And yet, the gentle reminder from within that beckoned me to trust Him…for He alone has raised up this leader, and He alone knows the plan for our country. My heart sickens a little, wondering, knowing really, that humility and brokenness are the in the future for this country. The journey ahead is unknown, but I exhale…and breathe in trust…in One who knows…and who’s plan was set before the foundations of the earth. This election was no surprise to Him….He raised him up….for such a time as this. Oh America, humble yourselves, turn to the one who set us apart…return to the One…who was our first love. I ache for our nation….I ache for the apathetic Christians in our nation who have so mixed and mingled with the world that we are indistinguishable from it.

Just yesterday, the kids and I were reading how the Children of Israel, once again began to complain to Moses…even after all of Gods miraculous intervention, all of His mercy….in spite of it all…they insisted on idols, insisted on turning their hearts to Egypt, and almost welcoming(even desiring) the bondage there, over the need to trust Him in desert. And we read, how they began to show discontentment toward the manna….the very sustenance of God himself. Demanding, MEAT….Oh, how that is our nation….it wasn’t enough that God drew us out from the rule of of an oppressive England, it wasn’t enough that he prospered us, it wasn’t enough that poured out his blessing again and again…still we allowed the “mixed multitudes” to influence and draw us into discontentment. Even though slaves, the Hebrews longed to be cared for by the Egyptians, provided for….even if it cost their freedom. So it is in this modern day land of ours. We demand MEAT! We are entitled to it! Give it! NOW!

As the kids and I read this story, we saw how God granted their demand…causing the quail to fly in, in an eerie almost plaguelike moment. Has God granted our “demand”? They were giddy….catching them, killing them, gorging themselves on this “meat”….that they had demanded. And they ate, and they gorged, and they ate some more…..until they were sick. Their greediness, their desire had not seen past their instant provision….but the result of that provision was sickness, death, a plague of gut wrenching illness…..brought on by their gluttonous hearts. Many, many died….succombing to the death brought on by the very thing that they thought they wanted.

My seven year old Reaghan, during the narration, the telling back of what we had read…. Said, “even though God knew that the manna was better for them, they thought it was boring and so God gave them the meat they wanted. But sometimes, what we want is not what is good for us. They had to die before they realized they should have been grateful for the manna.” Out of the mouth of babes….

And so on this quiet morning….a silence fills the air. An entire nation of people…wait. Some rejoicing and dancing at the prospect of this new leader, and some sickened and beginning to fall on their faces before God, knowing that on some level….the nation has gotten what it asked for….and the repercussions may…be… a death to all we have known.

The words of 2 Chronicles 7:14 thunder in my ears...

"If My people, who are called by My name, shall humble themselves, pray, seek, crave, and require of necessity My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land." (amplified)

What does it mean to be HIS? Am I really...His? Is He really my Lord? Or am I “my own”? …..

My heart longs to know…what does it mean to be called by His name?

NAME in the ancient text refers to…..nature.

We use his “name” as if some magic letters J-E-S-U-S… are going to make it so.

And yet all through scripture, we see it is never that easy…as a “magic” word. When the God of the Universe “calls someone by name” or “changes their name”….He usually walks them through some experience, wereby He CHANGES their very nature into His own. An ending of the old….a death to who they’ve been, the dawning of the new…..and as they emerge out of the darkness of the refinement experience…they are NEW.

And so…I ponder this morning as my neighborhood sleeps….what is our nature? Wheat and Tares are grown up together…and only God can tell us apart.

It starts with me….What is MY nature? My heart wrenches at the realization of all the areas in my own life, my own walk…that do not reflect His Nature.

My carnal inclination is to “fix” this problem, to dust off my list of rules….the detailed picture of how a Christian should live…then grit my teeth, and make myself follow those rules. Or at least be a good “witness” by looking like I follow the rules.

But He calls me deeper….As deep calls unto deep….He says simply, COME. Come to me…drink of me….sup with me….fellowship with me….

Drawing me, yearning for me….to simply come. And in the very coming, a small piece of my flesh dies. I drink deeply of his cup….his presence, his life…and a gentle transformation, begins to take place.

No list of rules….no determination….just intimate fellowship with the Lover of my Soul!

My carnal mind screams that there is NO way, it is this easy…there must be something I can DO!

I think back to a lengthy and hard discussion had with my Brayden…my precious nine year old son….on the power of associations. We’ve always heard “you become like the people you hang around”….have we not?

I have watched as a sensitive, tender boy with natural leadership ability, has spent far too much time around others who live differently, talk differently, act differently…whose core values are vastly different from our own. And then, found myself shocked when after a few weeks of continual summer play with these same children… my tender son, now mocks and disdains his sisters. His once transparent heart, is now deceitful and sneaky. His respectful obedience to his parents has been replaced with rolling eyes, and an argumentative spirit. And the Spirit speaks….you are surprised by this? A pulling back was necessary...and just now after two months of changing the friends, limiting the influences...we are seeing the sweet nature returning.

And so, if this nation is to be transformed, if we are to see godly leaders in our nations highest offices, it must start on a heart level. For the Kingdom of God does not come through legislation….but through relationship…where those of us who call our selves by his Name….find their own “closet”, and gets intimately acquainted with Abba, and through communion, and fellowship, and stillness in His presence…He lays us bare….opens us up….and begins to gently wash, nurture and prune our lives, pouring forth Himself, and therefore His character into our souls.

And we find all of those things that so easily ensnared us…our pride, our self sufficiency, our self righteousness, our lying tongues, and our lustful eyes, our bitterness….begin to fade and be weeded out of our hearts.

And without striving, without anguishing….He says, “Be still….and know”, and we rest.

And I cry out with Much Afraid, in Hannah Hurnard's classic book, “Hinds Feet on High Places”….”Oh, Lord….tie me to the altar…that I may NOT be caught struggling.”

I so desire His nature to completely erase my own wretched one. Oh, that my flesh would die, and my ways would somehow become His ways…that my thoughts would somehow become His thoughts.

And it starts with pulling back…silencing those influential voices that sway my heart and keep my flesh alive and well….and allowing Him to draw me into the Holy of Holies. To linger there in that place, to gaze deeply and long…at His face…and to inhale His holiness, and His righteousness….

And in doing so…my name is changed….

And He smiles

Photos: Broce Ranch, Evergreen CO...nature at it's best

Wisdom Begins in Wonder

Wisdom begins in wonder.

Socrates

In the early years, when I was dabbling with the idea of homeschooling....I was very intrigued with the idea of delight centered homeschooling. I could see within my children a God-given curiosity, a wonder for the world around them. Little delights like the blue bird gliding through the sky, or the first snowflakes of winter, or even a chicken pecking around in the farmyard at the Berry Patch Farms in the plains of Colorado. It was exhilarating trying to keep up with their questions, their joys...they truly were sponges, just soaking up the beauty and wonder in the world around them... Somewhere along the way, our learning turned more structured. In my own insecurities, and my own comparisons with other moms who were, oh so much better at this than myself....I began to take on their methods, their ways...and sadly, they never quite fit our family. It was like wearing the worn, comfortable shoes....of someone else. They just don't ever feel quite right. So has been our homeschooling journey. I tried and experimented with all the different "methods" and all the while have watched the light go out of my children's eyes. The wonder, replaced with a certain apathy, even whines of "how much more?".... My heart broke. I was failing at this....My soul cried out! Lord, You called us to this... you birthed a vision in my heart... you love these babies of mine...I give up! What do YOU desire for us. And so amidst the tangled web of methods like unschooling, unit studies, Classical education, Charlotte Mason....and the countless other "methods".... I listened. A slow and uneventful season of truly quieting the voices around me. Quieting the comparisons of my own children's progress to the children of my friends.... both those who homeschooled, and those who did not. I tore up my emotional "report card" and began to look into the eyes of my children again. To remember what it was that ignited this desire to homeschool, back in those early days.

"Education is that which remains when one has forgotten
everything learned in school. "

Albert Einstein

These words echoed in the hollows of my heart.... And so the pace changed, and the days slowed, and the agendas got laid aside. And for a small season our focus has been on regaining the wonder.

I have been amazed that it truly has not taken that much....time, energy, ....mainly a silencing of all the outward stimulus. Fewer videos, fewer friends, fewer activities....More quiet, more "boredom", more creativity, more nature. I read once that a child must be "bored" for a good 30 minutes to an hour, without any outside help to entertain, suggest activities ....just all out boredom. And at the brink of all the boredom the child can stand, a miraculous thing happens... true, deep creativity is born! I have seen it with my own eyes...and marveled!

The first thing that changed in our home, was a momma who was less "driven" by keeping up....and more excited to just "be".

Most of the changes happened in me. I found the quiet center of God's Spirit in my days, and asked for eyes to "see" his magnificence in every "little" thing around me. He gave...and gave...and continues to pour the gift of "seeing" into my soul. I am changed. This gentleness, and contemplative heart that He is weaving into my soul...is making room for the mundane, the ordinary to be transformed into the extraordinary.

The two other changes that have flowed from this transformation have been a rediscovery of the incredible hand of our Creator, in none other than nature itself....His grand creation! In and of itself, it has become our great "science" curriculum... and we are soaking it up like a dry, parched earth soaks up the rain! I put the "canned" Science curriculum back on the shelf, pulled out our nature notebooks, our camera, and our backpacks...stocked with water, compass, freshly sharpened pencils, and some healthy snacks... and began to find little bits of nature hidden away in the midst of this great DFW metropolis. Our nature walks have spurned unbelievable conversations on the Nature of God, on the deep, rich truths of the Kingdom. It has made many of the parables of Jesus come alive...as we observe ants, and trees, and vines, and branches, and wheat...all the "little" ordinary things that Jesus used to teach. Divine Curriculum....

And somewhere amidst the play...Learning, real, true, "stay with us for life", kind of learning is happening. We are discovering hidden birds nests, tucked away paths leading to flowing creeks, ancient strong oak trees, and tiny colorful caterpillars. We are observing life in rotted logs, and under rocks...the things that are hidden and obscured by the casual glance. We are discovering life itself, and in that created life....we are glimpsing a Kingdom life...and beginning to lay hold of what lies before us.

The second great change, in addition to our amazing walks through nature, is the rediscoveryof great literature. Oh, I had plenty of books on my shelf, and was a great "collector" of books, yet somehow....the days got swallowed up with "real school" and assigned reading...and we lost the joy of the rich, living books. The kind that evoke thoughts, and create ideas. And so we began to read for the simple pleasure of hearing the words spoken, and watching the stories unfold in our imaginations. As I read these life filled stories, ....one could hear a pin drop in our home...as my children are beautifully enraptured in the story. And as I come to the end of a chapter...my heart soars as I hear the pleas of my delighted children....begging....for "one more chapter... PLEEAAASSEEE!" ..Okay, just one more chapter. (And I smile as I remember my own mom saying the same to me, as she fostered a deep love of reading in my own heart, in much the same way).

And so our actual "recorded" school (you know...the records you keep to show the authorities, should anyone ever ask....) are filling the pages of my planner and THEN SOME! We are steeped in scripture, literature, science, history, classical music, and the list goes on....but instead of divided "subjects", we are finding our own rhythm...a rhythm of... family... instead of school. And it delights my soul.

And while I watch other parents who have academically superior children....I think...that it's really okay, because at my very core...I am less concerned about Ivy League Colleges, and astronomical SAT scores.... what I desire is that my children maintain their wonder! Because wonder....passion....is what will catapult them into their life callings. Passion....for any subject will cause a child to soak up every last fact of that subject....and as a result, their test score will only then reflect his absolute love of the material...not what was crammed in order to pass the test.

And so the Lord beckons me to "be still and know"......"taste and see that the Lord is Good".... and I press on to offer my children the gift of stillness, the joy of discovery, and a taste for the holy....that their hunger for more will be insatiable.

Gratitude

The season of Thanksgiving is upon us. We ventured out for one last "pumpkin patch" bit of fun today with grandaddy. I wish I could write about how cool and crisp the air was on our faces, or how the smells of roasted corn hung in the chilly air. But the truth is, I simply cannot. It was a sweltering 80 degrees. Texas trees don't turn vibrant shades of yellow and orange...they simply go from green, to...well, brown. We sought shade around every corner, and fought honeybees as sweat trickled down our backs and faces. Not ideal, ...not anywhere close to ideal. But I was struck once again, with the opportunities God gives me to choose what I will see. As my children moaned and poured sweat, we stood in a long line, waiting for snow cones. (only in Texas~) I felt my own temperature rising, and my own disappointment lodged in my throat. Sometimes I don't understand, how God can give someone like myself, such a deep love for something...in my case it is coolness and beauty, and then proceed to plant them in a place where it is such an inward struggle to find it.

And yet, somewhere in all the people, in the activity, amidst the thousands of swarming honeybees...I heard the Lord speak, "Go higher, and come in deeper". Satisfaction was not to be had today in the outward...in the activity. Today, it had to be sought. "Seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened, ask....and it shall be given to you." I exhaled somewhere between the hay maze and the face painting, and knocked... And I found the beauty of the Lord. It wasn't in the obvious today, no....it had to be sought after. But in the asking...it was given. Grace. Beauty found unexpectedly in the dried corn, or the grain of a weathered fence plank. Grace. Peace in the bluest sky, and the whitest fluffy cloud. Grace.

I touched, just for a second what it was to be "in the world...not of it". I was in the midst of the masses, people at every side, activity all around me. And yet, I lost myself in searching for the colors, the textures, the smells and the sounds of the day. I wish I could say it was through connectedness with my kids...it wasn't. They played...I puttered. At one point, my dad said, "Kimberly...what are you doing?"...as I was focusing the lens of my camera on the piece of wood with rusted nails and remnants of red paint. I smile. Only I know what I am doing...although admittedly, looking foolish to anyone who might be watching me. I even recall taking a picture from the trunk of an enormous oak tree, looking up through the branches toward the sky....and people would walk by me and look up...trying to see what I was taking a picture of! Foolishness indeed.

And so we nibbled on the less than perfect pumpkin bread that I had baked for our outing. We ate snow cones, whirled on the merry go round, climbed through hay mazes, and wiped sweat from our faces. But joy found me, amidst it all. And I was indeed, surprised by it.

A few days ago, I read Ann Voskamp's blog, Holy Experience on "One Thousand Gifts" and was so inspired to begin my gratitude list. In the three days that I have been keeping track, I have been changed. A deep realization that at my core, I tend toward negativity. Seeing often what is wrong...with circumstances, wrong with my marriage, wrong with my homeschool, wrong with my friendships, wrong with my body....and ever on a quest to fix the things that are wrong. These past three days, my spirit has shifted, my eyes are opening...and somehow in the midst of replacing car brakes, overdrawn accounts, tired muscles...I am elated. I am seeing past it, and finding gratefulness THROUGH it somehow. It is the glimpses of the divine...in the ordinary. It is what I have desired my life to be, and yet, not ever tangibly written them down...content that I am being grateful. But in putting pen to paper and putting down the words, it solidifies something deep within my soul. I have watched my husbands heart soften, I have felt his affection, his touch that has been so scarce of late. I have heard tenderness in my children, a desire for more snuggles, and I am changed on a level I cannot explain. As I tucked my Reaghan in to bed the other night, she said, "mommy what happened to you?"...I reply.."what do you mean sweetie?"....she searches for the words and says, "your heart is kind, and you aren't so bossy or something"....I smile, and I tell her. Gratitude. A choice to be thankful, to see beyond what seems to be...to what truly is. And to be in awe....joy floods in at that moment. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and a Self Control....and so I conclude that Gratitude, ushers in the holy, opens the floodgates to God's Spirit. For the fruit is almost instant, and runs deeper than determination. It is a change in my nature. I thought it was my little secret...only I knew how I was feeling, gracious, loving, peaceful. But apparently it was spilling over, touching the lives of those around me. And it's only been three days....so I number my journal pages...forward to one thousand. I can't wait to see what fills these pages.....and who I become in the process... a few of my entries,

(5)Homeschool in pajamas, snuggled in together weaving subjects like threads of a tapestry...

(7)My husbands strong hands, gently washing my hair...

(12) Young, pudgy fingers that still need help tying shoes...

(22) sleepy, disoriented eyes of a newly awakened child...

(24) tender, repentant heart of a seven year old asking me for forgiveness for her disrespectfulness

(36) A dishwasher that toils...while I play...

Gratitude...Change me Lord, to see your majesty in every little thing. In the common moments, may I experience your greatness and realize that nothing is really a little thing.

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing me to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we really experience life and the world." John Milton

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, and that will I seek after. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4

Seize the Day

The beautiful days of Fall have finally arrived! It feels as if the days have slowed, and the tempo has relaxed. Our bodies long for the outdoors, the fresh air. There is always something about Fall, when the world of nature seems to be preparing....foraging...as if knowing instinctly that a new season has dawned. We took a break from our regular school schedule and sought out a quiet spot...to walk, to talk, to discover.

Lately, I have struggled with our living in a cookie cutter neighborhood, in the suburbs of the huge metropolis of Dallas/Ft. Worth. It certainly was not the dream of my heart. It was not the life I desired for my children. Concrete driveways, and paved roads, tiny backyards...all seemed to be uninspiring and creating a sort of dulldrum in our minds and hearts. I remembered reading Karen Andreola say once that they had to "seek out" places to find nature at one point in their homeschooling journey, to find things to write in their nature journals. And so today, we ventured out. We found a tucked away park, and were thrilled to discover a little creek running through it, with an abundance of trees, nuts, foliage, animals, to explore!

I marveled as my children came alive. Each one instantly finding their own special discoveries in the veins of a leaf, or in the plop of a turtle as he escaped into the water. Gorgeous trees became our playground as my girls climbed to their hearts content. I was worried that I would have to prompt, to encourage...but God met us in that park. There was no contrived "lesson" from momma...only the soft whisper of the Creator himself as he beckoned us to "taste and see" all that He had created just for us.

Brayden, always delighted with the simple things, was especially amazed at the shapes and varieties of leaves, textures, and sizes. He also drew all of our attention to a wild and aggressive sparring match between two furry squirrels! As they rolled and fought, my children laughed out loud with pure delight! We walked along the creek, stopping and lingering, soaking in the multitudes of sights, smells and sounds....

The beauty of this day was that my children discovered the Divine in the ordinary. They looked beyond a pretty flower or a spider web, and found symmetry, color and details that even I had missed. At one point, Emily, my sweet vibrant five year old...pointed out a "leaf that had air in it"! Sure enough it was a pod of some sort, almost like a "leaf balloon". She promptly popped it open to discover one simple, perfectly round seed right in the middle.

Upon finding a perfectly dried dandelion, Reaghan, my tender...contemplative seven year old, insisted that she make a wish. Closing her eyes tightly, her little heart searched for just the right wish, not taking lightly this ceremonial blowing of the dandelion. Once she had found it, she gave a barely noticible little nod of her head, then blew ever so sweetly across the face of that fuzzy ball. I am convinced that whatever she wished, that her Father in Heaven was so delighted with her tenderness, and awe...that He just might answer that little unspoken prayer.

As the day drew to a close, I was delighted as my precious boy came up and showed me this leaf. "What does it remind you of momma??" ...."It looks like a heart buddy".....then as he insisted I take the picture of it...I noticed the heart, lying perfectly over the tender palm of his hand. My son....my only son....my heart skipped a silent beat, as I thought of another "only son" with his palms outstretched...and a gaping hole in the middle of his hand. Nail holes...a crucified life....a broken body...broken for me...for these beautiful babies of mine. Those holes, an emblem of love...deep abiding love....drawing me into himself. The breezes of heaven swept over me at that moment. These are the moments, gathered up, collected together...that make up the fabric of our very lives. May I always remember to seize the day, to see beyond what is there, and to abide in that place.

Mesmerized

I am mesmerized by the handiwork of our Creator! Sometimes looking through a lens, I can see intricacies that get lost in the bigger picture. To see the detail of a flower, perfect symmetry of the brances of a tree, or the tender melodies of a babbling brook. I am moved to worship. It is a cathedral unlike any church I have ever been to. My soul soars and my spirit is nourished. I do not worship the creation itself...I am moved beyond it...through it really, as it is but a glimpse, or a mere reflection of the magnificence and slendor of God himself.


 

Elizabeth Barrett Browning penned it so beautifully, "The earth is crammed with heaven and every common bush afire with God, but only he who sees takes off his shoes."



Oh Lord, that I would gaze deeply and long at the beauty of you. In every crashing wave, in every detail of my childs face, in every heave of my husbands breathing as he lays beside me at night. May I somehow soak it in, may I somehow inhale your very Spirit at that moment. My shoes are off...I welcome these miraculous glimses of your holiness. I revel in you.