Joy in the Midst of Struggle

An early morning, 4:30...being awakened as my husband is just going to bed. I awaken often to the glow of a computer screen in my room into the early morning hours, I toss, turn, mumble chastisement...trying to go back to sleep. This morning I failed, and feeling the emotions and frustrations beginning to simmer within, I rose to sort it all out. An hour spent journaling about it, pouring out my tears on paper. Inward rantings and ravings of all that does not match up to "my plan" of what our family should look like. In this life, my life, there are plenty of things to rant about...hopes dashed, disobedient children, distracted...distant husband...strained finances. Yet in the midst of my swirl of flesh and anger, the gentle words of the Father whispering to my soul..."I am sufficient". The sun is peeking over the horizon....light is dawning on this new day. Will I choose joy? If indeed, "weeping endures for the night, but joy cometh in the morning"....then the choice is mine...

He is my all in all; His Spirit alone is my sustenance...and it is in my abiding deeply in HIM that I find my peace and my rest. I close my eyes and let the glow of the morning sun fall on my face...and watch as it chases the moon from the sky. Lord fill me with your Spirit, that joy might flow as a byproduct...and with it, peace....for this moment, this day, this journey. Patience, to allow the not so perfect parts of my life to do their work in my soul. Kindness, that my eyes might be loving instead of accusatory, and that my words be a salve to the tired, overworked heart of my husband...Gentleness, that can connect with the hearts of my children, and let the little graces and beauty of our days be the focus of our very lives. Goodness, not of my own, for I am wretched and my own goodness only goes skin deep....but yours...that is "good" to the very core; Oh, that I would be robed in your holiness...your goodness, covering and sanctifying all of my lack. And as you immerse me in your Spirit, may this old "self" be controlled by you, crucified by you, ...and when all is said, and all is done...may Love abound.

Love that sees beyond the tiredness, love that endures the distance, love that is not proud and haughty, thinking I have it all together...love that doesn't seek my own good, my own happiness. And Love that willingly tears up this list of wrongs and takes on the heart of you, becoming low...and servant to all.

Meet me in this place...focus my heart on you, and on the multitudes of blessings that abound in the ordinary moments of our lives. May my thoughts linger on these things... these lovely, pure things.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and peitition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent and praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8