Gratitude

The season of Thanksgiving is upon us. We ventured out for one last "pumpkin patch" bit of fun today with grandaddy. I wish I could write about how cool and crisp the air was on our faces, or how the smells of roasted corn hung in the chilly air. But the truth is, I simply cannot. It was a sweltering 80 degrees. Texas trees don't turn vibrant shades of yellow and orange...they simply go from green, to...well, brown. We sought shade around every corner, and fought honeybees as sweat trickled down our backs and faces. Not ideal, ...not anywhere close to ideal. But I was struck once again, with the opportunities God gives me to choose what I will see. As my children moaned and poured sweat, we stood in a long line, waiting for snow cones. (only in Texas~) I felt my own temperature rising, and my own disappointment lodged in my throat. Sometimes I don't understand, how God can give someone like myself, such a deep love for something...in my case it is coolness and beauty, and then proceed to plant them in a place where it is such an inward struggle to find it.

And yet, somewhere in all the people, in the activity, amidst the thousands of swarming honeybees...I heard the Lord speak, "Go higher, and come in deeper". Satisfaction was not to be had today in the outward...in the activity. Today, it had to be sought. "Seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened, ask....and it shall be given to you." I exhaled somewhere between the hay maze and the face painting, and knocked... And I found the beauty of the Lord. It wasn't in the obvious today, no....it had to be sought after. But in the asking...it was given. Grace. Beauty found unexpectedly in the dried corn, or the grain of a weathered fence plank. Grace. Peace in the bluest sky, and the whitest fluffy cloud. Grace.

I touched, just for a second what it was to be "in the world...not of it". I was in the midst of the masses, people at every side, activity all around me. And yet, I lost myself in searching for the colors, the textures, the smells and the sounds of the day. I wish I could say it was through connectedness with my kids...it wasn't. They played...I puttered. At one point, my dad said, "Kimberly...what are you doing?"...as I was focusing the lens of my camera on the piece of wood with rusted nails and remnants of red paint. I smile. Only I know what I am doing...although admittedly, looking foolish to anyone who might be watching me. I even recall taking a picture from the trunk of an enormous oak tree, looking up through the branches toward the sky....and people would walk by me and look up...trying to see what I was taking a picture of! Foolishness indeed.

And so we nibbled on the less than perfect pumpkin bread that I had baked for our outing. We ate snow cones, whirled on the merry go round, climbed through hay mazes, and wiped sweat from our faces. But joy found me, amidst it all. And I was indeed, surprised by it.

A few days ago, I read Ann Voskamp's blog, Holy Experience on "One Thousand Gifts" and was so inspired to begin my gratitude list. In the three days that I have been keeping track, I have been changed. A deep realization that at my core, I tend toward negativity. Seeing often what is wrong...with circumstances, wrong with my marriage, wrong with my homeschool, wrong with my friendships, wrong with my body....and ever on a quest to fix the things that are wrong. These past three days, my spirit has shifted, my eyes are opening...and somehow in the midst of replacing car brakes, overdrawn accounts, tired muscles...I am elated. I am seeing past it, and finding gratefulness THROUGH it somehow. It is the glimpses of the divine...in the ordinary. It is what I have desired my life to be, and yet, not ever tangibly written them down...content that I am being grateful. But in putting pen to paper and putting down the words, it solidifies something deep within my soul. I have watched my husbands heart soften, I have felt his affection, his touch that has been so scarce of late. I have heard tenderness in my children, a desire for more snuggles, and I am changed on a level I cannot explain. As I tucked my Reaghan in to bed the other night, she said, "mommy what happened to you?"...I reply.."what do you mean sweetie?"....she searches for the words and says, "your heart is kind, and you aren't so bossy or something"....I smile, and I tell her. Gratitude. A choice to be thankful, to see beyond what seems to be...to what truly is. And to be in awe....joy floods in at that moment. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and a Self Control....and so I conclude that Gratitude, ushers in the holy, opens the floodgates to God's Spirit. For the fruit is almost instant, and runs deeper than determination. It is a change in my nature. I thought it was my little secret...only I knew how I was feeling, gracious, loving, peaceful. But apparently it was spilling over, touching the lives of those around me. And it's only been three days....so I number my journal pages...forward to one thousand. I can't wait to see what fills these pages.....and who I become in the process... a few of my entries,

(5)Homeschool in pajamas, snuggled in together weaving subjects like threads of a tapestry...

(7)My husbands strong hands, gently washing my hair...

(12) Young, pudgy fingers that still need help tying shoes...

(22) sleepy, disoriented eyes of a newly awakened child...

(24) tender, repentant heart of a seven year old asking me for forgiveness for her disrespectfulness

(36) A dishwasher that toils...while I play...

Gratitude...Change me Lord, to see your majesty in every little thing. In the common moments, may I experience your greatness and realize that nothing is really a little thing.

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing me to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we really experience life and the world." John Milton

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, and that will I seek after. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4