Growing New Muscles

New Years resolutions often bring a new workout plan. Goals for a new and lean body....my plans went deeper than that this year. I have watched my own body change after having three babies, and creep dangerously close to the forty year mark. And with those changes have come aches and pains and creaking joints in my body that are only a result of a sedentary lifestyle.

Earlier this year, I went for the major cardiovascular workout....cardio kickboxing. It was lots of fun, and I certainly saw some changes in my body....although none worth the insane amounts of energy I was putting into the workouts. I was watching my diet, working out at least five days a week, and still....only minor body changes.

Discouragement was setting in. Then I ordered a new program. By the same creator of the cardio program I had done, but this one was a super intense, 3 month phase, strength and weight training program, based on the solid fact that "muscle burns fat".

I scraped all my money together, bought the program and some weights, figured out the eating plan that came with the program....and dove in! I just finished my first week....and OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! I moaned in bed this morning as I tried to roll over and all the muscles in my aching rear end (from all the weight laden lunges) screamed at me! Every day has been that way, my body fighting against the pain....and loving it at the same time.

Chalene Johnson, the creator of this workout program, often says, while we are working with gritted teeth to push up one, painfully slow repetition of weight...."Your body LOVES muscle!" It is true....my back pain is gone this week, I feel stronger and taller, and amazingly in just a few short days, I am seeing muscle tone!

And as I rolled out of bed this morning...I pondered what in interesting irony that the very thing that seems like it is sooooo hard, that wants to defeat us, that would be so easy to put down and escape from....is the very thing that makes us stronger. This year of refinement and struggle in our family has shown me that. People have known it for ages...."that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Yet somehow, this morning, it kind of sunk in to my soul on a very tangible level...as my aching body reminded me that I am not dead, but very much alive....and stronger.

Oftentimes, the refinement comes in waves. Not just one difficulty, but a whole plate of things that seem overwhelming and crushing. Kind of like adding metal weights onto my dumbells....on purpose. I smile as I think I can't lift anymore, and Chalene says, "go heavy or go home baby!". And so not to be outdone, I add another weight....making the reps just that much more difficult.

Chuckling this morning, I look back over the year, and even still a little now....and see the hand of God, gently and deliberately adding another "weight" to my life. To my already struggling life, weighted with pain or grief, or struggle....He says....how about just a little more?

And yet, as I am beginning to understand my physical body and the way that extra little weight, and the super slow repetitions tear down the muscle and cause it to rebuild stronger, I can see that the little "extra" situations in my already difficult struggles, are what make all the difference in the spiritual process for my soul as well.

Sure you can lift lighter weights, and do tons of repetitions....but the really amazing results come from heavy, heavy weights and fewer, painfully slow repetitions. And contrary to popular belief...it doesn't cause abnormal bulking up. It creates, lean and beautiful muscle and physique.

And so in the Spirit, I wonder if God doesn't do the same work in us. Sure He could give us a few little struggles here and there, and keep them going and going and going. But the truth is He knows that is ineffective. And so He pours it on instead, one after another, after another, until we think we are going to die under the strain. We even "weep for the night", but indeed JOY comes in the morning!

As Christians, we have learned to rebuke the "attack" from the Evil One. That somehow anything bad that happens to us can't be from God. But I truly am seeing for myself that it is a matter of perspective. Just as I look down at my ugly, metal dumbells...they represent pain and anguish for me. Nothing in me WANTS to pick them up and cause the pain and ache in my own body, but I do it for what is on the other side of the pain.

I could "rebuke" them and put them aside, choose a different path....of ease and comfort. But sadly that path, that choice leaves me about 20 pounds overweight, flabby and miserable. Comfortable to be sure....but miserable in the end.

And so I welcome a new morning of weights and painful lifting, because I know that in three months when the last phase is completed, I will be stronger, taller, more confident, and so much closer to the "me" that I was created to be.

I have been in about nine months of intense personal fire and refinement...and yet today, I am not in agony over it. I can see that in walking through it, and embracing it....in enduring the pain and letting it do it's work in me....I am changed.

I only wish we could take Spiritual "before and after" pictures as easily as we can physical ones. To SHOW the change, to SEE the inner transformation.

And even though this season of refinement feels like it might be drawing to a close for now, I know that it is only a season...and that heat will return. I smile a little, not because I look forward to more refinement....but for the image of God in me that comes on the other side of those fires.

I willingly submit.

He Keeps the Key

"Is there some problem in your life to solve,
Some passage seeming full of mystery?
God knows, who brings the hidden things to light.
He keeps the key.



Is there some door closed by the Father's hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait - for when He shuts the door
He keeps the key.



Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered NOT as you had thought 'twould be?
God will make clear His purpose by and by.
He keeps the key



Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no long lingerer He,
And the door of all your future life
He keeps the key.



Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know of EVERY door He keeps the key.
That He at last when just HE sees is best,
Will give it THEE.


Anonymous

Leaving It All Behind

We strive, we toil in this life...to attain, to get more, have more...really just to be more. We work to get a better education, so that we can get the best paying jobs. We work hard at careers day in and day out, waiting and hoping for promotions and recognition for our hard work. Often this toiling comes at great, great sacrifice of the really important things...our families, our children, our joy, indeed our very lives.

Somewhere we look up and see that we are missing the very lives we had hoped to achieve. Maybe the outer trappings are there....the big house, the nice cars, a hefty retirement, all the lights, bells and whistles on the latest and greatest "toys" the world can offer us. But at what price? Jim Rohn tells us that there is always a price for every goal that we set. We simply have to ask is it worth paying? Sometimes, I think we look up and realize we've paid a terrible price, and the goal was not worth it.

And so as 2008 was drawing to a close...I embarked on a 40 day intensive prayer journey. The joy had gone out of our family. Our eyes were empty and had lost their sparkle. Our laughter had slowly disappeared. We had lost our daddy to the daily cycle of working to live and living to work. He was depressed, angry and hurting. A numbness to life had replaced his vitality and an apathy had lodged in our home.

My prayers focused on him...and initially were for his health, his walk with the Lord, his job, his boss, etcetera, etcetera. Then about 2 weeks into my journey, I began to see the tiniest flickers of something in him...to say it was a spark would be to overstate the situation...really it was a "consciousness". Like when someone has been unconscious, and they "come to". That was all. But it was enough that it sparked my desire to remember the scripture..."the effectual, fervent (italics mine) prayers of a righteous man availeth much." What if my fervency created more effectiveness? I began to dig deeper, and press in.

The days turned into weeks, and some changes were evident....but not truly powerful ones. I was okay with that. My husband was beginning to emerge...and maybe that was all God wanted to do. So I continued on, realizing that maybe earth shattering change may not be what God desired....just seeds sown. So I rested in that and continued to pray.

Then came the 39th day....which I laughingly call the "eleventh hour". It started out like any other day, and so when my early bird Emily awoke, I took her and we went grocery shopping while daddy and the other kids slept. He did not have to leave for work until a little later and so we kind of made a day of it. When we arrived home, our dear daddy was still in bed talking on the phone. Not completely unusual for his strange work schedule....I didn't really give it a second thought. He came out a moment later, having finished the conversation on the phone....and wrapped me in his arms and began to kiss my forehead. Now this was a little unusual, and my curiosity began to wonder what was up.

What unfolded before me was miraculous and surreal. He simply said, "I'm done Kim. I am done living like this, I am done feeling like this, I am done exchanging my joy and my life, even my family for some dream that isn't really even mine! I don't want any of it! I only want laughter, and joy and peace with you and my children. That's all." Then he said with every bit of peace and joy...absolute calmness in his voice, "I want to move to Hawaii."

I had experienced a piece of what he was desiring earlier in the year when my dear friend flew me to the Big Island of Hawaii to visit her in the Spring. What had started out as a simple vacation took on a spiritual significance that had left me changed forever. Experiencing God on a level that took him out of all of my "churchy" boxes, and let him fully be the magnificent creator of a majestic universe, and to realize he was simultaneously the lover of my soul! To laugh out loud, to play hard, to stand in a waterfall and let the water drench my thirsty soul! John had watched it all from the outside...but only now, nine months later... had he said "enough".

And so we are walking away, and leaving it all behind. The striving, the toiling, ....the emptiness and the lifelessness. Jesus said, "I have come that you might have life and have it to the fullest!" We've only caught a glimpse of what "fullest" means, but it was enough of a glimpse to know that we are starving for it, and our current path certainly does not lead to it.

So far in these few days since we have decided to move...I have been overcome a few times with anxiety of the what it truly means to "leave it all behind". There have been very sad and difficult closures on relationships that I had held dear. And while the pain at times has been almost unbearable, I realize that those heart strings were cut for such a time as this. So I exhale, and let go.

Even this morning I woke up with heart palpitations and unable to catch my breath...at the prospect of selling ALL of our stuff! Sixteen years of marriage, my whole existence has been to create a beautiful home. And we will literally leave with hardly anything. How deep this American dream runs! Even when you think none of it matters and you think you could "walk away" from it all....until you actually have someone showing up to pick up all of your things...you will never know. I never knew.

But all of life is a process. And today, I look back and see the work of Simplicity that the Lord has led me down for the past ten years. A constant and consistent revealing to my heart of what was important and laying down of that which was not. Downscaling, downsizing my life...again and again. And learning to enjoy the little, near meaningless things in life...and to come face to face with the realization that they are really the ONLY MEANINGFUL things that there are.

And so as an eagle waits and waits perched patiently at the edge of his nest...my Father has brought me there, again and again, reminding me that I am not of this world and it's ways, and I was never intended to make my home in this nest. For he created me for the high places, and to get there I must wait for the wind of his Spirit and then step out into the unknown .....and soar. For eagles do not flap and strive to fly....they simply wait....and wait...and when the wind comes, they spread their wings and mount up into the highest of places carried only by the wind.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles..." Isaiah 40:31

Moving Along Slowly

A day behind....I read yesterday's reading of "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman. I chuckled....because in years past, I have delved into the New Year with a flurry of goal setting, and lists of new resolutions, and game plans for success.

This year has been different. I have struggled a little this year...I realized over and over where I fall so terribly short. All of my best laid plans often fall as rubble around my feet. All my best inspirations become soapboxes that somehow hurt and intimidate rather than inspire.

No....this year, as much as I want to lay out all my fitness goals, my health goals, my relationship goals, my home school goals, my spiritual goals.....etc etc....I am painfully aware today that I am not the commander of my own journey. Personal development gurus would argue differently, but my life experience has shown that "I am not my own" and my journey is not my own. I am most definitely on a path, and a long and wonderfully arduous journey...to the "High Places" but it is not of my own making.

As I realized I was a day behind in "Streams in the Desert", the quiet whisper of my Father spoke to my heart saying, "My sweet child, you are not behind, you are right where you should be." He looks down as a loving parent, takes my small trembling hand...and says to me,"I will move along slowly...since you have never been this way before." (Joshua 3:4)

And so it is with humility in my own journey that I offer in it's entirety the entry for January 3, taken directly from "Streams in the Desert" in hopes that just in case you are like me, and you simply cannot muster up exciting goals and plans for the coming year....knowing that you are powerless to achieve them on your own....I offer this gentle reminder that you are "just where you should be"....and we are all being led on this journey...by a loving and patient Father...who knows that we are but dust.

January 3

I (will) move along slowly at the pace of the droves before me and that of the children.

(Genesis 33:14)

What a beautiful picture of Jacob's thoughtfulness for the cattle and the children! He would not allow them to be driven too hard for even one day. He would not lead them at a pace equal to what a strong man like Esau could keep or expected them to keep, but only one as fast as they were able to endure. He knew exactly how far they could go in a a day, and he made that his only consideration in planning their travel. He had taken the same wilderness journey years before and knew from personal experience its roughness, heat and distance. And so he said, "I (will) move along slowly." "Since you have never been this way before" (Josh.3:4)

We "have never been this way before," but the Lord Jesus has. It is all untraveled and unknown ground to us, but He knows it all through personal experience. He knows the steep places that take our breath away, the rocky paths that make our feet ache, the hot and shadeless stretches that bring us to exhaustion, and the rushing rivers that we have to cross - Jesus has gone through it all before us. As John 4:6 shows, "Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down." He was battered by every possible torrent, but all the flood waters coming against Him never quenched His love. Jesus was made a perfect leader by the things he suffered. He knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust"(Psalm 103:14). Think of that when you are tempted to question the gentleness of His leading. He remembers all the time and will never make you take even one step beyond what your feet are able to endure. Never mind if you think you are unable to take another step, for either He will strengthen you to make you able, or He will call a sudden halt, and you will not have to take it at all. Frances Ridley Havergal

In "pastures green"? Not always; sometimes He

Who knowest best, in kindness leadeth me

In weary ways, where heavy shadows be.

So,whether on the hilltops high and fair

I dwell, or in the sunless valleys, where

The shadows lie, what matter? He is there

Barry

The End and the Beginning

New Beginnings

What may be perceived as the end of something, is the start of something new in your life.

What you call a beginning is often the end.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where you start from.

Author Unknown

Photo: Broce Ranch, Evergreen CO...my favorite home.

Forgetting What Lies Behind...

The past year has been a tumultuous one for me....filled with unspeakable joy, but also much sadness, pain and hurt as I am sure so many of those reading these pages have also experienced in their own lives.

Months and months of family issues, hurts, and mud slinging...had left me bruised, battered and exhausted beyond anything I could have imagined.

As the year began to draw to a close, I realized that all those months spent in tears and soul searching, in refinement from the Father's Hand, had been very needed and very transforming.

They continue. But the overwhelming weight of it all was beginning to suffocate me. To steal my very life and by definition...those around me. I looked up and realized that I was letting pain from the past....steal, kill and destroy my joy in the future. My tomorrows didn't hold promise....my days were beginning to melt into each other. I was drowning in the swirl of it all.

And in the final days of 2008, as the family arrows continued to fly, and mud was still being flung....I took a deep breath. A realization slowly dawned. I can step out of this. I MUST step out of this. And so began a few days of intense prayer, and relinquishment...letting the tears flow and letting all that was deep inside my soul...every wrong, every hurt (inflicted by me and to me), every abuse, every memory....flow out onto paper. I knew that it would not, could not ever be sent to anyone...for the damage it would inflict would be lethal.

Instead I simply wept. And breathed. I thought of the movie that is called "Waiting to Exhale"....that is how I have felt for all these months. In fact, I have felt this for many, many years. And the Spirit whispered to my soul...."EXHALE my beloved, and I will fill you with the breath of myself....and you shall breathe life again."

I took an unusually deep breath.....held it for a second...focused my soul on all the pain that it represented....and I let out a long, slow, deep exhale until their was no breath left in my body. Then....oh, then.....I took in the most gloriously deep breath! It was the breathing in of life, joy, and utter peace, and it filled my lungs to their fullest capacity!

And so as we made plans for our New Year's Eve celebration this year....I realized that this year was different than any other. There would be no baby sitter this year. There would be no "party" with friends....this year was to be ended with ceremony and intention.

After a wonderful day of family activity... laughing, chattering, delighting in each others presence, we journeyed out to the deserted lake....in the freezing cold night. We each had purchased a balloon...and had discussed at length what that balloon was to represent.

It was to represent those things that we have clung to. Those things that we have stuffed deep within us, bitterness, hurt, anger...all those things that have kept us from fully being inhabited by the Prince of Peace.....

We each chose a color to represent our pain. Mine was black...for I could think of no other color that would represent the ugly, vile and putrid things that had flowed onto my 13 page letter the day before....and attached to it...was a blood red string....representing the very blood of the One who bore my pain.

We prayed over each balloon....and then we each took a moment...and put our lips to our balloon....breathing into the balloon what we most wanted to release...to be free of. And closing our eyes, we looked up into the night....the lake shimmering below...the eternal expanse of the universe laid out before us....and we LET GO!

Tears began to fill my eyes and flow down my face! I began to tremble at the magnitude of it! And I watched as my "pain" flew farther and farther from me....so far in fact, that in just moments it was but a speck in the sky....and then it was absorbed into the glittering sky.

Absorbed by the Creator of it all! Gone forever....never to descend upon me again!

I smiled...my kids clapped joyfully!! Joy had returned to this family. Peace had taken the place of Pain....and we had closed the chapter on 2008 with finality! We celebrated with loud, wonderful fireworks and shouts of unbridled joy!

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me....

Forgetting what lies behind (italics added), and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Phillipians 3:7-14

New Beginnings

"Behold I will make ALL things new..." Jesus

In the depths of the winter...all is quiet. All is dormant...all is seemingly dead. We speak almost in hushed tones as we journey through it, knowing.

What is it that is happening in under the drifts of snow, and the freezing temperatures? All outward show of life is gone... Some of us are in the winters of our lives. All the green and vibrant life of Spring and Summer have passed away, we are left with deep browns and grays, chilly winds, and heavy weight of snow.

Will we survive it we ask? Will Spring truly come again?....We doubt, we wonder...we anguish.

And yet there is beauty in the dying, because we know...we know in the depths of our being that the dying is only the prerequisite to living! Oh how I ache to live!

As these last days of 2008 draw to a close, I am tucking away all that these months have held. The lessons, the pain, the refinement, the betrayals. I am forever changed by it all. I wouldn't change any of the struggle that my family has endured this year...because I know that in the death to so many things...life is waiting to spring up from somewhere beyond it. I tenderly reminisce over the joys, the laughter, the memories of so many precious and wonderful gifts woven graciously throughout the pain. What blessing!

I ponder the whole advent season that we have just finished...glorious yes. But I know that God intentionally obscured His "coming"....and He purposed it to be very small and almost hidden...for it wasn't the coming, or the birth that He desires us to lay hold of. He came not in pomp and circumstance to show His glory and be hailed as deliverer. Instead, He came....to die. And the glorious, and truly significant part that He beckons us to remember is that He did not evade death....He defeated death.

He went there. He endured the shame and pain of being betrayed by those who professed loudly and wholly their love for him. It's why he came. He walked through an unfair and circus of a trial...resulting in horrible mockery and merciless beating. It's why He came.

Finally, He willingly and knowingly submitted to agonizing and final death on a cross meant for a criminal. It's why He came.

Those who professed their love so ardently, were no where to be found. They had betrayed Him and hung Him out to dry. The only ones who faithfully stayed the course with Him...were His dear mother and a couple of His truest and most intimate friends. That's all. No throng of supporters, no family, no other "friends".... No, those "loved ones" had fed Him to the wolves. They participated in his crucifixion. But then again, it's why He came.

And as the darkness of the cave enveloped His body, as the depths of His "winter" fully settled over him... the sting was gone. Death had occurred...as agonizing, and unfair, and tormenting as it was....it was why He came. But the sting of death itself was gone.

He came to die. And yet.....He came, so that He could be resurrected out of death. And while it was a necessary part...the death was only a means to an end.

Hope springs up in my heart! The death that has been so agonizing in my heart, is only serving another purpose. It is ONLY a means to an end.

The end is Life.

I am reminded of the words of Jesus, "I came that you might have life and have it to the fullest."

Could it be that fullness is what awaits this dark, cold, lifeless winter?

I feel it. My soul trembles at the realization.

And so I pack away these last remnants of 2008, and I let them have their death.

It is indeed the season of new beginnings...not because I have resolved it to be so. No amount of goal setting or resolutions will achieve what my soul longs for.

But the Giver of Life does. And He does it well.

Thankfully, He doesn't "recycle" or "reinvent" the old....sprucing it up and doing a heavenly patch job on our lives.

No ......the death happens, the absolute end is necessary.

Then from the whispers of my very Spirit....come his words,

"Behold I make all things NEW"!

I wait, and I know.....these last days of winter are lingering....but my soul knows, and it beckons me...

"Be still....and KNOW."

Trust and Rest

Trust and rest when all around you
Puts your faith to stringent test;

Let no fear or foe confound you,
Wait for God and trust and rest.

Trust and rest with heart abiding,
Like a birdling in its nest,
Underneath His feathers hiding,
Fold your wings and trust and rest.

"Trust in him." (Psalm 37:5

Today, I trust; and in trusting....Lord, draw me into your rest.

*(excerpt from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowan....December 15)

Unexpected Gifts

The season of gifts. It swirls around us during this time....the thrill of the giving...the excitement of the receiving. Gifts are truly wonderful things!

Noah Webster, in his 1828 dictionary defines a "gift" as "anything given or bestowed...transferred from one person to another without compensation".

I reflect on the what it means to open a gift....to hold the wonderfully wrapped package in our hands, wondering....dreaming...of what could be inside. Something special...indeed. Something intended JUST for me, true. With trembling hands, we untie the lovely bow and tear through the patterned papers that conceal our treasure. Still unknowing...it's contents still a mystery.

Oftentimes, it is the anticipation, the unknowing, the trembling hands that make the gift such a joyful occasion. Certainly, the gift itself is a blessing...usually something we have been hoping for, or something personal from someone who loves us dearly. A token, really, from the heart of another bestowed directly into our own hearts. A transfer of affection, tenderness.....a gift.

And yet, gifts...in all their wonder...can also be unexpected bestowments. A deeply hidden gift in the midst of something not nearly as beautiful as glittering bows and brightly colored paper.

Is it possible that these gifts, these loving treasures can be found at the end of a very long "unwrapping"? An unwrapping that is laced with pain, struggle, anguish...and even betrayal?

It is in these difficult seasons of our lives...that some of the most life-changing gifts are bestowed deeply into our souls. Gifts that only the very breath of heaven could deliver.

These are the unexpected gifts. For we find our faces marred with the dirt of life, and smeared with the anguish of our pain. It doesn't seem like a gift...it seems hard, and difficult. It seems like it might even crush us beneath it's weight. The pain of an ended relationship, the struggle of devastated finances, even the betrayal of those we thought would never leave us.

Ours is the wrapping of the forsaken, of the broken.

There is no glamour here...no glittering bow. Just pain.

And then...as the "unwrapping" draws to a close...we begin to SEE! Our eyes get to peek beyond the wrappings...and glimpse a gift! How like the Kingdom of God to be so opposite and almost contradictory in it's nature. We know that in order to be the first, we must be the last. In order to be the greatest, we must be the servant. We know that to live, we must first die.

Therein lies the gift. In the journeying through our striving...we find the gift of Peace.

In walking through the fires of refinement, we find the treasure of Purity and in ourselves a Reflection of Him.

At the end of a long list of bills, and a shallow bank account....we rage, we struggle, then we find Contentment, Gratitude and even the gift of Simplicity.

In enduring the yoke of heavy, difficult burdens, we find HIS yoke...that is Rest.

And in the ashes of devastation, the aftermath of being betrayed by those we held so dear... comes a double gift. First the gift of Freedom! The release to fully embrace the next gift, which is the gift of Himself. Drawing us in, holding us close, and whispering...."My Beloved,I will NEVER leave you, and will never, ever forsake you."

And in receiving HIS gifts.....we smile. For we then give the most precious gift back to the Giver.

John Bunyan calls it the "Acceptable Sacrifice, The Excellency of a Broken Heart".

"For You delight not in sacrifice, or else would I give it; You find no pleasure in burnt offering. My sacrifice, the sacrifice acceptable to God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart...such, O God, You will not despise."

Psalm 51:16-17

(amplified)

Moved to Compassion

There is much I am pondering on this “Black Friday”…busiest shopping day of the year. I have always been one to rise while it is still dark, list in hand, the thrill of hitting the stores early to get all the best “stuff”. Strange adrenalin surging through my body, propelling me, driving me…feeling the thrill of power shopping as if I were accomplishing some great and wonderful feat!

Then a few years ago, God’s Spirit took us into a new direction. A strange, uncharted and fiercely unpopular direction…into Simplicity.

In the slowing and in the quiet, He worked on the inner chambers of our hearts, bringing freedom where certain bondage of busyness had reigned supreme. What He revealed there in the darkest recesses of our souls was nauseatingly painful.

As He began to touch and refashion even our most basic traditions and celebrations, I found myself struggling against Him…until somewhere along the way, freedom came and I began to release my grip on those holiday traditions that I had held so dear…and began to see it all through His eyes.

Only this year have my eyes begun to truly see though, to turn from “us”, from this little family, and our celebrations, our needs, our memories…as He has begun to turn my gaze outward.

Being raised in church, I have always known of missions and ministry. And yet, it has almost been as though I have become so accustomed to hearing it, that it had a vaccine type effect on my heart. Put into a “world need” compartment that really didn’t touch me or my family…except for the check written from time to time, or a bit of money dropped into an offering bucket. Then going on with my life, never giving it much more thought.

And yet, as my gaze is being shifted, and focused outwardly…it is reaching beyond these walls, these lives, and it is beginning to rest on a world outside my own; I am humbled.

I am compelled from an inner place to pour out my life. This cup of mine that gets filled in the quiet hours of the morning, in busy days of homeschooling my children and tending to my home, I am filled. Blessed beyond measure, and yet feeding on that blessing almost as sustenance, instead of seeing those blessings as something to be poured out into the lives of others. Poured into the lives of my children…sure. Into the life of my husband…without a doubt. But what of the small child in Africa that waits to die, while a vulture waits quietly in his shadow. What of him?

The quiet words of Jesus speak to my Spirit in this early hour…as He divides the sheep from the goats and then addresses the sheep on His right….

“…Come you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom
prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave
me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a
stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick
and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me….I tell you
the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you
did for me.” Matthew 25:34-40

Oh how I long to inherit the kingdom, to lay hold of the inheritance that was prepared for me since the creation of the world. And I pray that my heart would break wide open for the least of these. That God’s Spirit would consume me with His compassion…

I ask the hard questions to my own self this morning…am I His sheep? Or will I be one of the shocked ones…thinking myself righteous and true…only to find out that I was really... a goat?

I humbly insert this link to Advent Conspiracy, praying that it will impact those of you reading these words as deeply as it has our family.

I am grateful to Ann’s beautiful blog, and for introducing me to Advent Conspiracy as well as the wonderful ministries and easy to use catalogs that allow our family to pour out our blessings this year in a simple and inspired way.

Harvest of Hope

World Vision Gift Catalogue

Gospel for Asia Gift Catalogue

Samaritan's Purse Gift Catalogue

Heavenly Treats

My precious baby. A delight to my soul. Always wanting to be where I am, doing what I do. A momma in training. I marvel as I watch her heart for homemaking. Often asking me in almost desperation and angst, "Momma...what should I be when I grow up, I just can't decide?!" Even in the midst of the shelter of our home, she has picked up on a worldly message that says she has to "be" something more than she is. That she has to pursue career, money, achievement... And yet her pleas come from a place in her heart; a place that craves the simplicity and joy of home. A deep and inner calling that desires to be a wife and a mother above all. And so I affirm her, and yet gently remind her that mommas get to be a nurse, and a chef, and decorator, and gardener, and a teacher. That she can be all of things things as she simply pours out her gifts into the life of her husband, and her children. Oh, but she is only five, tender years old. I smile.... she has so much time.

Yet I am painfully aware at how much she watches my every move, mimicking even my facial expressions or hand motions as I speak. She watches how I tap the wooden spoon on the side of the pot after stirring delicious soup...and moments later, I watch her do the same thing, then glancing at me with a look of satisfaction. She is delighted to sort laundry, and organize closets. She adores cooking and gardening. She is always right beside me with her little metal spade, digging, weeding and planting. She finds tremendous joy in sorting laundry, folding towels, and ironing place mats. She loves all cleaning, especially if it involves a little spray bottle! And she delights most of all in taking care of babies. She is desperate for me to have another one so she can take care of it for me! Again, I smile....what delight. What a gift.


Oh Lord, that I would find such delight and wonder in the tasks of my day. That I wouldn't view them as mundane or as a simple list of chores to be checked off, or somehow accomplished. But instead, as opportunities to explore, to find myself, and to worship you. Just as this little one is looking at me, help me to look at her and desire to become a little more like her every day.

I am struck by the scripture this morning that urges to us "make disciples of all nations" (Matthew 28:19) And I pause to think that we have so magnified those words ..make disciples, into "the great commission"...a great and ominous task. We have reduced them into a command that must be obeyed.

And yet, discipleship...is really imitation through relationship. Through continual time, fellowship and communion with another...we begin to take on their character, their nature. We find ourselves dressing like others, talking like others, even thinking like others....

I cringe at the times I've tried to MAKE myself or others a disciple for the Lord. When all the while, He only wants us hidden in deep, rich relationship with Him. And somewhere in all the time and fellowship spent with Him, we find ourselves thinking a little more like Him, acting a little more like Him. My thoughts becoming a little more like His, and my ways....a little more like ~ His. My heart learning to LOVE like He does.

As I look at this little one of mine, I ponder what she is becoming. Through time and relationship, she is becoming a follower of ~ me.

Certainly, she is becoming a disciple of the Lord, and growing up to follow hard after His Spirit...but she is following...me. She is imitating every word, every voice inflection, every motion of my hand.

As this realization begins to set it, I become increasingly humbled. The weight of the reality that my attitudes will form her attitudes sinks into my consciousness. I take a deeper look at my daily actions, words, attitudes...and prayerfully ask that they be worthy of imitation. That as this little child grows, and matures into a young lady, as she learns and develops the ideas, attitudes and skills that will shape her life...may they be that of a gentle and contrite spirit. May she smile at her tasks, and delight in the ordinary.

And so I draw her close, this little sponge of mine. finding joy in teaching her what it means to bake cinnamon rolls from scratch, and how to fold towels so they look pretty in the cabinet. How to write a letter of thanks for a graciously given gift. And somewhere, somehow, may I teach her, even in my own failure and weakness how to honor a husband, to be a helper and support. I pray that she find joy in teaching her children to read, and in helping a sick friend. And most of all, may she somehow learn to walk daily with the Lord, learning from His Spirit, and drawing from His grace.

As the fragrances of freshly baked cinnamon rolls drift from the oven, and we all gather round the table for a chilled glass of milk, devouring these delectable treats....I glance in my baby's direction. She is overjoyed at the compliments, and blessed by pouring out of herself and watching it bless her family.

"Well done, my precious girl....well done"

by the way....in case you want a little taste of heaven...here's the recipe ~

Cinnamon Rolls

1/4 cup warm water
1/4 cup butter, melted
1/2 (3.4 ounce) package instant vanilla pudding mix
1 cup warm milk
1 egg, room temperature
1 tablespoon raw sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 cups whole wheat flour (or 1/2 unbleached)
1 (.25 ounce) package active dry yeast

1/4 cup butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar
4 teaspoons ground cinnamon
3/4 cup chopped pecans

1/2 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup butter, softened
1 cup confectioners' sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 teaspoons milk


DIRECTIONS
In the pan of your bread machine, combine water, melted butter, vanilla pudding, warm milk, egg, 1 tablespoon sugar, salt, bread flour and yeast. Set machine to Dough cycle; press Start.
When Dough cycle has finished, turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and roll into a 17x10 inch rectangle. Spread with softened butter. In a small bowl, stir together brown sugar, cinnamon and pecans. Sprinkle brown sugar mixture over dough.
Roll up dough, beginning with long side. Slice into 16 one inch slices and place in 9x13 buttered pan. Let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 45 minutes. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Bake in preheated oven for 15 to 20 minutes. While rolls bake, stir together cream cheese, softened butter, confectioners' sugar, vanilla and milk. Remove rolls from oven and top with frosting.

Photo: Cinnamon Roll Baking with Emily

Called by My Name.....

Another early morning walk….earlier this time, a search for a quieter experience, proved true. As I donned my workout clothes and tied the laces of my shoes…I thought nervously, “do I really dare walk while it is still dark?” Married 16 years to a police officer will do that to a woman…caution. And so placing my cell phone in my pocket (just in case), I ventured out….The air was damp with humidity, the dogs were silent this time, no cars leaving for work, no rumbling engines, or loud highway sounds filtering into my neighborhood. Yes, still a basic, run of the mill neighborhood and certainly not the beauty that I found at Broce Ranch in Evergreen Colorado (photos)…., but instead of being assaulted by the sheer busyness….today, I felt the silence.

As my steps padded the pavement, a certain rhythm emerged, and I found myself breathing in the cool, Autumn air…and my spirit began to stir.

Initially, my prayers were for thanksgiving, for praise, …eventually they moved toward myself and my personal walk with the Lord, crying out for more of Him, and less of this world. On the dawn of this new day, I laid before Him my anxious thoughts about this new President of ours. Election reports still ringing in my ears, my gut wrenched. What will become of our nation with a man like that in office….I cried out. And yet, the gentle reminder from within that beckoned me to trust Him…for He alone has raised up this leader, and He alone knows the plan for our country. My heart sickens a little, wondering, knowing really, that humility and brokenness are the in the future for this country. The journey ahead is unknown, but I exhale…and breathe in trust…in One who knows…and who’s plan was set before the foundations of the earth. This election was no surprise to Him….He raised him up….for such a time as this. Oh America, humble yourselves, turn to the one who set us apart…return to the One…who was our first love. I ache for our nation….I ache for the apathetic Christians in our nation who have so mixed and mingled with the world that we are indistinguishable from it.

Just yesterday, the kids and I were reading how the Children of Israel, once again began to complain to Moses…even after all of Gods miraculous intervention, all of His mercy….in spite of it all…they insisted on idols, insisted on turning their hearts to Egypt, and almost welcoming(even desiring) the bondage there, over the need to trust Him in desert. And we read, how they began to show discontentment toward the manna….the very sustenance of God himself. Demanding, MEAT….Oh, how that is our nation….it wasn’t enough that God drew us out from the rule of of an oppressive England, it wasn’t enough that he prospered us, it wasn’t enough that poured out his blessing again and again…still we allowed the “mixed multitudes” to influence and draw us into discontentment. Even though slaves, the Hebrews longed to be cared for by the Egyptians, provided for….even if it cost their freedom. So it is in this modern day land of ours. We demand MEAT! We are entitled to it! Give it! NOW!

As the kids and I read this story, we saw how God granted their demand…causing the quail to fly in, in an eerie almost plaguelike moment. Has God granted our “demand”? They were giddy….catching them, killing them, gorging themselves on this “meat”….that they had demanded. And they ate, and they gorged, and they ate some more…..until they were sick. Their greediness, their desire had not seen past their instant provision….but the result of that provision was sickness, death, a plague of gut wrenching illness…..brought on by their gluttonous hearts. Many, many died….succombing to the death brought on by the very thing that they thought they wanted.

My seven year old Reaghan, during the narration, the telling back of what we had read…. Said, “even though God knew that the manna was better for them, they thought it was boring and so God gave them the meat they wanted. But sometimes, what we want is not what is good for us. They had to die before they realized they should have been grateful for the manna.” Out of the mouth of babes….

And so on this quiet morning….a silence fills the air. An entire nation of people…wait. Some rejoicing and dancing at the prospect of this new leader, and some sickened and beginning to fall on their faces before God, knowing that on some level….the nation has gotten what it asked for….and the repercussions may…be… a death to all we have known.

The words of 2 Chronicles 7:14 thunder in my ears...

"If My people, who are called by My name, shall humble themselves, pray, seek, crave, and require of necessity My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land." (amplified)

What does it mean to be HIS? Am I really...His? Is He really my Lord? Or am I “my own”? …..

My heart longs to know…what does it mean to be called by His name?

NAME in the ancient text refers to…..nature.

We use his “name” as if some magic letters J-E-S-U-S… are going to make it so.

And yet all through scripture, we see it is never that easy…as a “magic” word. When the God of the Universe “calls someone by name” or “changes their name”….He usually walks them through some experience, wereby He CHANGES their very nature into His own. An ending of the old….a death to who they’ve been, the dawning of the new…..and as they emerge out of the darkness of the refinement experience…they are NEW.

And so…I ponder this morning as my neighborhood sleeps….what is our nature? Wheat and Tares are grown up together…and only God can tell us apart.

It starts with me….What is MY nature? My heart wrenches at the realization of all the areas in my own life, my own walk…that do not reflect His Nature.

My carnal inclination is to “fix” this problem, to dust off my list of rules….the detailed picture of how a Christian should live…then grit my teeth, and make myself follow those rules. Or at least be a good “witness” by looking like I follow the rules.

But He calls me deeper….As deep calls unto deep….He says simply, COME. Come to me…drink of me….sup with me….fellowship with me….

Drawing me, yearning for me….to simply come. And in the very coming, a small piece of my flesh dies. I drink deeply of his cup….his presence, his life…and a gentle transformation, begins to take place.

No list of rules….no determination….just intimate fellowship with the Lover of my Soul!

My carnal mind screams that there is NO way, it is this easy…there must be something I can DO!

I think back to a lengthy and hard discussion had with my Brayden…my precious nine year old son….on the power of associations. We’ve always heard “you become like the people you hang around”….have we not?

I have watched as a sensitive, tender boy with natural leadership ability, has spent far too much time around others who live differently, talk differently, act differently…whose core values are vastly different from our own. And then, found myself shocked when after a few weeks of continual summer play with these same children… my tender son, now mocks and disdains his sisters. His once transparent heart, is now deceitful and sneaky. His respectful obedience to his parents has been replaced with rolling eyes, and an argumentative spirit. And the Spirit speaks….you are surprised by this? A pulling back was necessary...and just now after two months of changing the friends, limiting the influences...we are seeing the sweet nature returning.

And so, if this nation is to be transformed, if we are to see godly leaders in our nations highest offices, it must start on a heart level. For the Kingdom of God does not come through legislation….but through relationship…where those of us who call our selves by his Name….find their own “closet”, and gets intimately acquainted with Abba, and through communion, and fellowship, and stillness in His presence…He lays us bare….opens us up….and begins to gently wash, nurture and prune our lives, pouring forth Himself, and therefore His character into our souls.

And we find all of those things that so easily ensnared us…our pride, our self sufficiency, our self righteousness, our lying tongues, and our lustful eyes, our bitterness….begin to fade and be weeded out of our hearts.

And without striving, without anguishing….He says, “Be still….and know”, and we rest.

And I cry out with Much Afraid, in Hannah Hurnard's classic book, “Hinds Feet on High Places”….”Oh, Lord….tie me to the altar…that I may NOT be caught struggling.”

I so desire His nature to completely erase my own wretched one. Oh, that my flesh would die, and my ways would somehow become His ways…that my thoughts would somehow become His thoughts.

And it starts with pulling back…silencing those influential voices that sway my heart and keep my flesh alive and well….and allowing Him to draw me into the Holy of Holies. To linger there in that place, to gaze deeply and long…at His face…and to inhale His holiness, and His righteousness….

And in doing so…my name is changed….

And He smiles

Photos: Broce Ranch, Evergreen CO...nature at it's best

Quiet Waters

"He leads me beside quiet
waters, He restores my soul..."

Psalm 23:2-3

Another early morning, 2:00am...sick children, the slightest sounds stir and awaken my slumbering eyes. Though I try, I cannot find sleep again as thoughts, anxieties, simple "to do" lists begin to flood my mind. I am struck this morning at the sheer "busyness" that invades our lives, and steals our peace. I have consciously simplified, intentionally chosen a slower pace, a quiet life... and still, the tasks at hand, the pressures of the world, the weight of life...seem to take me to a heightened pace that makes my head spin. Though I must say, I am growing to love these early morning hours... I am reminded of the gentle hymn which was sung tenderly throughout my childhood by my mom...

"I come to the garden
alone, while the dew is still on the roses
(that's really early morning...)

and the voice I hear, falling on my
ear

the Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with
me,

And tells me I am His own.

And the joy we share as we tarry
there,

None other, has ever known."

She touched something early on in her walk with the Lord, that I am just now fully grasping. The intimacy and the filling of the Lord in those early hours, the lingering in his Presence...the basking in the warmth of His Spirit. In my younger years, I "tried" it...as if it were a "to do" list, something to be accomplished rather than experienced. I expected tangible, almost audible experiences with the Lord...needing fuel for the day, for my busy...busy life. A "checkmark" of sorts. And now I realize it wasn't about my needs, or my agendas....it was about Abba's desire to pull me up onto His lap, pull my face close to His and whisper sweet nothings into my spirit.

I think of my babies... and how just yesterday, Emily just spontaneously climbed up into my lap... took both of my cheeks in her tiny hands....looked me directly in the eyes, and said "I love you so much mommy"... then planted the most tender kiss on my lips. I wrapped her in my arms, inhaled her sweetness, and experienced an intimacy that was beyond a child's hug. I touched heaven at that moment....and thought of the scripture that speaks of how much more our Father in heaven cares for us...

Life is busy, "to do" lists...must get done, homeschool lessons must be taught to eager children, dinner must get cooked, laundry must get cleaned, toilets must get scrubbed...but I long for the ability to do it all WHILE abiding deeply in His presence. Brother Lawrence writes of the ability to carry on daily, even mundane tasks yet never breaking the continual communion with the Spirit of God. He says,

"There is no sweeter manner of of living in the world than continuous communion with God."

Brother Lawrence

I long for just that..."continuous communion" with God. How often I try to fill this deep, insatiable thirst....with cheap, substitutes. I try to fill my own cup through relationships, through activity, through intellectual stimulus...and yet I am as dry, and parched as ever. And God beckons...calls unto us...as deep calls unto deep...

"My people...they
have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, and hewed them out cisterns,
broken cisterns that can hold no water"

Jeremiah 2:13

There is no substitute...busyness, activity...even religious activity...are just counterfeits for the pure, clear, living water that God offers us....in Himself.

Once again, the sun is rising outside...dogs are beginning to bark in the neighborhood, activity is beginning to stir...and while my little ones are still sleeping soundly....it is only a matter of time before they awaken...and our day will start. Yes, my list of tasks is here in front of me, yet today may I receive the gift of Grace that is given so freely. May I somehow walk out my activity...while carefully, quietly...remaining beside those quiet waters...

Gratitude

The season of Thanksgiving is upon us. We ventured out for one last "pumpkin patch" bit of fun today with grandaddy. I wish I could write about how cool and crisp the air was on our faces, or how the smells of roasted corn hung in the chilly air. But the truth is, I simply cannot. It was a sweltering 80 degrees. Texas trees don't turn vibrant shades of yellow and orange...they simply go from green, to...well, brown. We sought shade around every corner, and fought honeybees as sweat trickled down our backs and faces. Not ideal, ...not anywhere close to ideal. But I was struck once again, with the opportunities God gives me to choose what I will see. As my children moaned and poured sweat, we stood in a long line, waiting for snow cones. (only in Texas~) I felt my own temperature rising, and my own disappointment lodged in my throat. Sometimes I don't understand, how God can give someone like myself, such a deep love for something...in my case it is coolness and beauty, and then proceed to plant them in a place where it is such an inward struggle to find it.

And yet, somewhere in all the people, in the activity, amidst the thousands of swarming honeybees...I heard the Lord speak, "Go higher, and come in deeper". Satisfaction was not to be had today in the outward...in the activity. Today, it had to be sought. "Seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened, ask....and it shall be given to you." I exhaled somewhere between the hay maze and the face painting, and knocked... And I found the beauty of the Lord. It wasn't in the obvious today, no....it had to be sought after. But in the asking...it was given. Grace. Beauty found unexpectedly in the dried corn, or the grain of a weathered fence plank. Grace. Peace in the bluest sky, and the whitest fluffy cloud. Grace.

I touched, just for a second what it was to be "in the world...not of it". I was in the midst of the masses, people at every side, activity all around me. And yet, I lost myself in searching for the colors, the textures, the smells and the sounds of the day. I wish I could say it was through connectedness with my kids...it wasn't. They played...I puttered. At one point, my dad said, "Kimberly...what are you doing?"...as I was focusing the lens of my camera on the piece of wood with rusted nails and remnants of red paint. I smile. Only I know what I am doing...although admittedly, looking foolish to anyone who might be watching me. I even recall taking a picture from the trunk of an enormous oak tree, looking up through the branches toward the sky....and people would walk by me and look up...trying to see what I was taking a picture of! Foolishness indeed.

And so we nibbled on the less than perfect pumpkin bread that I had baked for our outing. We ate snow cones, whirled on the merry go round, climbed through hay mazes, and wiped sweat from our faces. But joy found me, amidst it all. And I was indeed, surprised by it.

A few days ago, I read Ann Voskamp's blog, Holy Experience on "One Thousand Gifts" and was so inspired to begin my gratitude list. In the three days that I have been keeping track, I have been changed. A deep realization that at my core, I tend toward negativity. Seeing often what is wrong...with circumstances, wrong with my marriage, wrong with my homeschool, wrong with my friendships, wrong with my body....and ever on a quest to fix the things that are wrong. These past three days, my spirit has shifted, my eyes are opening...and somehow in the midst of replacing car brakes, overdrawn accounts, tired muscles...I am elated. I am seeing past it, and finding gratefulness THROUGH it somehow. It is the glimpses of the divine...in the ordinary. It is what I have desired my life to be, and yet, not ever tangibly written them down...content that I am being grateful. But in putting pen to paper and putting down the words, it solidifies something deep within my soul. I have watched my husbands heart soften, I have felt his affection, his touch that has been so scarce of late. I have heard tenderness in my children, a desire for more snuggles, and I am changed on a level I cannot explain. As I tucked my Reaghan in to bed the other night, she said, "mommy what happened to you?"...I reply.."what do you mean sweetie?"....she searches for the words and says, "your heart is kind, and you aren't so bossy or something"....I smile, and I tell her. Gratitude. A choice to be thankful, to see beyond what seems to be...to what truly is. And to be in awe....joy floods in at that moment. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, and a Self Control....and so I conclude that Gratitude, ushers in the holy, opens the floodgates to God's Spirit. For the fruit is almost instant, and runs deeper than determination. It is a change in my nature. I thought it was my little secret...only I knew how I was feeling, gracious, loving, peaceful. But apparently it was spilling over, touching the lives of those around me. And it's only been three days....so I number my journal pages...forward to one thousand. I can't wait to see what fills these pages.....and who I become in the process... a few of my entries,

(5)Homeschool in pajamas, snuggled in together weaving subjects like threads of a tapestry...

(7)My husbands strong hands, gently washing my hair...

(12) Young, pudgy fingers that still need help tying shoes...

(22) sleepy, disoriented eyes of a newly awakened child...

(24) tender, repentant heart of a seven year old asking me for forgiveness for her disrespectfulness

(36) A dishwasher that toils...while I play...

Gratitude...Change me Lord, to see your majesty in every little thing. In the common moments, may I experience your greatness and realize that nothing is really a little thing.

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing me to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we really experience life and the world." John Milton

"One thing have I desired of the Lord, and that will I seek after. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4