I am amazed at the beauty of my children...ashamed at how often I take for granted their presence in my life. Lately, as I have begun to live more consciously, it seems every moment becomes heightened with them. I am noticing the way an eye twinkles, or the bow of their lips when they are telling me a silly story. I am cherishing the moments more and more, realizing how painfully quickly they seem to slip away.
I am also so keenly aware at my job in preserving their little hearts. A few careless months of letting them play too often with the neighbors, or too many movies or video games...and they become lifeless, dull, and bored. The light slips out of their eyes, their creativity disappears into some unknown place, and their friendship with each other becomes full of pettiness and irritation. I am so thankful at the mercy of the Lord, and of his wisdom that so often rescues me and covers my weakness. A few minor adjustments to our schedules, to our hearts and the flow of our home...and they are on the way back. The light is returning, the spring in their voices, and almost a sense of wanting to stay close. Interestingly,the boredom is now with the friends, not with each other or with our home.
How blessed I am! What thrill to be able to spend nearly every waking moment of my children's lives with them. How tragic that so many moms, have to resort to scheduled efficiency in their homes. Early morning rushes to school, quick quick quick, out the door and off to school, where someone else helps them with reading, someone else explains math problems, someone else offers them praise and affirmation. Someone else is depositing into their hearts and minds....and is it what they should be depositing? Yet, I cannot lament their situation, for it a choice that they have made...but I know that it is not my situation, it is not my choice. And I am so grateful. Does it require sacrifice?...I suppose on some level it does...but somewhere along the way, I don't really know what defines sacrifice anymore. Sacrifice of what? Sacrifice of busyness? Sacrifice of self absorption? Sacrifice of MY time, MY goals, MY purpose? Because somewhere amidst the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and teaching cursive, and the priceless conversations, I have found myself. I have found myself as I nuzzle the neck of my baby as we read a beloved story for the umpteenth time. I find myself in their laughter, and I find myself in every tear, and in every skinned knee....I find myself in working through defiant attitudes, and broken hearts. One thing, I know for sure....I wouldn't trade these years for the world. What could one offer me instead? More money?....no thanks. More prestige?....nothing else could be as rewarding. More time?...for what exactly? People exchange themselves...all of themselves...for more money, more time, more prestige...more of ....something that is elusive....and in the end they have sacrificed the very things that would give it all meaning. No thanks. I'll stick with the spilled cereal in the mornings, the million and half questions they ask, and the sleepy nighttime rituals I have grown to love so dearly. For I can truly think of nothing that I'd rather remember at the end of this life...than the yummy smells of a child with freshly washed hair as he nestles up under my chin for a lingering hug, or the tiny, squeaky voice of my little girl as she learns to read, or a rainy afternoon with all of us hunkered down, piled onto my bed...enjoying each other. What else is there...really?
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